Thursday, 12 December 2013

Grist for the Mill - or in This Case, The Slaughter-house

It is Wife Swap time, meaning we watch episodes (from time to time) of Wife Swap. It's a good show in that it [usually] teaches each family to relax a little and meet things more in the middle, instead of being super-neat or super-sloppy, but just normal. By no means do we run around cleaning every day, which is too much; nor do we never, ever, clean but have the house cleaned top to bottom every two weeks. That is normal.

Well, this week, we have the Haigwood family swapping their wife/mother with the wife/mother of the Hess-Webb family. And what an adventure this is...

The Haigwood family, out in the wilds (well, farm) in Massena, Iowa, do not clean their house at all. No exceptions. Not even soapy water and a sponge. I might understand that chemicals are looked upon as poor, for whatever reason, but something - anything - needs to be used to clean the house once in a while. That is rather disgusting and incredibly unsanitary, but this by far not the worst thing about them. No, the raw meat diet and the stocking up the place so that they might survive 10 years in a rabbit hole are the heavier parts of the weirdness. Even the stocking up, while a bit weird, is livable...the raw chicken, however, is not. As in literally not livable. Uncooked chicken will very possibly kill you! And there are no washing of the hands after using the loo, milking the cows and then handling raw meat, and then there is the brushing teeth with old - yeah, you read that correctly - old, raw butter! Oh, and the kids are home-schooled. I know that non-religiously motived parents home-school kids, but mostly we just hear about the over-the-top religious people doing the home-schooling thing. In this case, this IS the case.

When Kim Hess-Webb asked about doing cleaning with any kind of bleach-based cleanser, he answered that these cleaners kill all the germs. Would God put anything on Earth that would hurt us? (I found myself thinking, "Sure he would. Arsenic, cat's urine, all kinds of things that are inimical to human life. Yes, he would. But he was quite confident, that upon discovering arsenic to be a poison, we would figure out that there are plenty of poisonous items found perfectly in Nature that no one should use.

The Hess-Webb family is so obviously the family from San Francisco, California - for one thing, I am not sure very many families take both parents' last names in Iowa. They are stylish, very well educated, overly cleaning-nuts, but basically okay people. They seem far more normal to me than the Haigwoods do, or ever will. 

The Haigewood's teenage kid, 15-year-old Lee, was a complete nutter, a drama queen, who launched himself off the couch, yelling out, "You ARE KILLING me!" Goodness me, kid, go outside, take a deep breath and for one week, survive eating healthy food - you know, the kind of chicken that won't kill you! The 13-year-old daughter, Aleesha, took all this more in stride. The husband cried like a baby, which was rather shocking. I doubt too many men cry with such abandon.

Anyway, I won't give you any blow-by-blow descriptions of these families dealing with the others. It is more fun to tell you that the wives surely came back with a slightly more balanced than they left their own lives. The Haigwood wife came out of this with a nice dress, her legs shaved, high heels, her hair up and she looked so nice. They also tried to learn Fung Shui, and are going to continue to do those kinds of cleanings. She did teach the Hess-Webbs to plant a small garden in their back yard, so that their kids learn where foods come from.

They did try egg whites raw, but that is okay to eat them raw...chicken? Not a bloody chance!

One could say that the episode ended on a different way than the others do, but not in the way you might expect. In fact, I doubt if anyone saw this coming. I found this article on some online magazine:

'An appearance on ABC's Wife Swap reality series almost found an Iowa couple in hot water for child abuse.

Barb and Mike Haigwood -- a couple who raise organic food with their two teenage children on a farm near Massena, IA  -- sparked Wife Swap viewers to contact the Iowa Department of Human Services after an episode featuring the family aired on Monday, February 19, The Des Moines Register reported Wednesday. 

During the Wife Swap broadcast, the Haigwood children -- 13-year-old Aleesha and 16-year-old Lee -- said they don't go to school and Lee's home schooling includes counting the number of eggs the family's chickens have produced.  Barb, the family's 37-year-old mother, also explained that she "believes in eating every two to three hours" -- a belief that causes her to wake the children for late-night drinkings of a beverage containing kefir, a yogurt-like product.  

Prior to their Wife Swap appearance, Barb had told The Register that family's decision to eat "nothing but raw food, including eggs and meat" was part of their way of dealing with health problems related to Aleesha's attention deficit disorder. 

However The Register reported Iowa state officials do not consider "an unorthodox diet and messy housekeeping" to be child abuse, and added the parents have filed the proper paperwork to home-school their two children.  Iowa Department of Human Services spokesman Roger Munns told The Register his department "logged a number of calls" to its child-abuse hotline after the episode aired, and also received "at least 10 messages emailed to its website" as well as a fax. 

"DHS only investigates child abuse and neglect cases when there is a credible report that, if proven true, would amount to abuse.  None of these reports rise to that threshold," Munns told The Register.  "People who eat unusual food and feed it to their children are not abusive, nor are people whose houses are not tidy." 

Steve Pelzer, superintendent of the Cumberland and Massena school district, said that -- as the law requires --the Haigwoods have filed paperwork "proving competent private schooling."  Pelzer added a licensed teacher from the West Des Moines area "monitors the children's progress."  

Bard told The Register on Tuesday that the family could not comment unless reporters "went through ABC's public relations department."  A spokesman for ABC could not be reached on Tuesday, according to The Register.'
Can I just say for my part, I have problems with parents who are hoarders, slobs in a way that is not healthy for the kids or feeding them raw meat and these offenses should allow Child Services come in, check it out and get those poor children out of there? Yes. How is this good for them? Do you really feel that physical abuse is strictly in the manner of striking children? I think not. I was turning green watching the family eat raw meat; I turned green looking at a bathroom I would not consent to sit on. The children here were brainwashed and it made me sick.

You may want to give this a shot: Haigwood/Hess-Webb, aired 11 December, on Lifetime at 18:00. Watch it for yourself and tell me which family you'd rather be with.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Living in the Old Farmer's Almanac in December 2013

Wow. The end of 2013, beginning of the new year, 2014. Happy Yule! Good luck for the coming year.


Farmer's Calendar

If you are like most gardeners, you probably put your tools away at the end of the growing season and don't think very much about them until they are needed in the spring. But if you take a bit of time during the offseason to maintain and repair your tools, they will be safer and easier to use.

Wooden handles on tools such as shovels and iron rakes may become rough and splintery with weather, use, and age. Often, you can restore them by sanding the surface until it becomes smooth again and then applying linseed oil to protect the wood. Handles with deep are a hazard and should be replaced.

Repair rusted metal tools by cleaning them with steel wool or a wire brush and then wiping on 30-weight motor oil to prevent further rusting.

Chances are, the blades on your prunes, loppers, and hedge shears could use sharpening. USe a fine, flat file to touch them up. Be careful to keep the original angle of the blade's casting edge. While you're at it, sharpen the metal edges of shovels and hoes to make digging easier.

Well-maintained, quality garden tools will last for years and can even be passed down from one generation to the next. Perhaps you can pass down the wisdom of how to take care of them, too.

SKY WATCH ☆ Venus continues to climb higher in the west after sunset as it brightens to magnitude -4.9, its most dazzling display of the year. An easy 25 degrees high, it dangles beneath the crescent Moon on the 5th. The Moon floats above Green Uranus on the 10th is to the left of Taurus' orange star Aldebaran on the 15th. In its fat gibbous phase, the Moon diminishes the normally reliable Geminid meteors on the 13th and stands to the right of Jupiter on the 18th. Jupiter, in Gemini, conveniently rises by 7:00 P.M. and shines at a brilliant magnitude -2.7. The Giant Planet is now a telescopic showpiece in advance of its imminent opposition on January 5. Winter begins with the solstice at 12:11 P.M. on the 21st.

Weather

Spell
it
Decembrrrr!
Mild
plus a
shower,
then a
power
of
powder!
Mercury
and
snow
both
falling;
malls
a-calling!
Frozen
tundra--
no
wonder
we're
snowed
under!
Will
winds
be
this
keen
in
2014?

Thursday, 21 November 2013

How New Jersey Am I? (A New Jersey Meme!)



1. What is your age?
 Under 18 Years Old
 18 to 24 Years Old
 25 to 30 Years Old
 31 to 40 Years Old
 41 to 50 Years Old
 51 to 60 Years Old
 Over 60 Years Old
2. What is your gender?
 Male
 Female
3. New Jersey is also known as what?
 The Keystone State
 The Garden State
 The Pollution State
 The Empire State
4. How many issues of Weird New Jersey have you read?
 Zero
 One or two
 Between three and ten
 More than ten
5. Have you ever eaten taylor ham with cheese on a hard roll?
 Yes
 No
6. Have you ever found yourself at a diner at one o'clock in the morning?
 Yes
 No
7. In the summer, do you "go down the shore"?
 Yes
 No
8. Does summer for you begin on Memorial Day weekend and end on Labor Day?
 Yes
 No
9. Have you been to places featured in HBO's The Sopranos?
 Yes
 No
10. The PNC Bank Arts Center was once named what?
 NJPAC
 Garden State Arts Center
 Meadowlands
 Madison Square Garden
11. Do you have fond childhood memories of the boardwalk?
 Yes
 No
12. Who of the following is not from New Jersey?
 Frank Sinatra
 Jon Bon Jovi
 Bruce Springsteen
 Bob Dylan
13. Are you Italian or do you have very Italian friends?
 Yes (very Italian friends!)
 No
14. Do you remember Action Park?
 No
 Yes
 Yes, and something wasn't quite right about it
15. Do you think that New Jerseyans have a weird accent that results in them pronouncing it "Joyzee"?
 Yes
 No
 I don't know
16. Do you feel both offended and proud when Hollywood mocks New Jerseyans?
 Yes
 No
17. Does it bother you that New Jersey sports teams are refered to as New York teams?
 Yes
 No
18. Can you drive for five minutes without going past a mall?
 Yes
 No
19. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
 Yes
 No
20. Do you know which color the Empire State Building is lit up as this week?
 Yes
 No
21. Do you suspect the neighbor down the street is in the mafia?
 Yes
 No
22. Do you live within ten minutes of three different highways?
 Yes
 No
23. Have you ever stopped at a Pennsylvania fireworks stand to get some fireworks?
 Yes
 No
24. Do you know where to get the best slice of pizza on the boardwalk?
 Yes
 No
25. Do you enjoy all four seasons?
 Yes
 No
26. Have you been to Midgetville?
 Yes
 No
27. Is getting stuck in traffic just a way of life for you?
 Yes
 No
28. Are all your TV and radio stations based in a neighboring state?
 Yes
 No
29. Have you "watched the tram car"?
 Yes
 No
30. Do you know where to get some good bagels, good sushi or good Indian curry?
 Yes
 No
31. Do you call it "miniature golf" and know a good place to play?
 Yes
 No
32. Have you gone into New York City by boat, bus, car, and train at some point?
 Yes
 No
33. Have you gotten out of traffic tickets just by showing up at court and talking to the prosecutor?
 Yes
 No
34. "You guys" vs. "ya'll" - Which would you say:
 You guys want to see a movie?
 Ya'll want to see a movie?
35. Would you laugh if someone says "pop" instead of "soda"?
 Yes
 No
36. Did you ever get excited when you caught channel 12 giving a shout out to your town?
 Yes
 No
 I've actually waited until they got to my town
37. Ever had a fat sandwich from a grease truck?
 Yes
 No, but I've heard about them
 What the heck is that?

Remember to rate this quiz on the next page!
Rating helps us to know which quizzes are good and which are bad

Friday, 1 November 2013

Living in the Old Farmer's Almanac in November 2013


Happy Thanksgiving!


Farmer's Calendar

After a treacherous voyage and first brutal winter spent along the shore of Cape Cod Bay, the Pilgrims of Plymouth Colony had a stroke of good fortune. Members of the Wampanoag Nation offered to teach them how to gather food from the wild and cultivate native crops such as corn. The first harvest, in 1621, proved so successful that Governor William Bradford ordered a feast to celebrate. We now call this the Pilgrim's first Thanksgiving, although they considered it simply a harvest festival. The event, however, was a far cry from today's observance.

The thankful colonists soon joined by their generous Native American friends, took part in a 3-day party that included singing, dancing, musket and bow-and-arrow competitions, and footraces.

Historians can document with certainty only two items on the menu for that day: fowl provided by the Pilgrims and venison provided by the Wampanoag. Seafood such as bass, cod, eels, clams, and mussels may have been on the table, possibly along with game such as harbor seal, waterfowl, rabbit, and grey squirrel. Roots, fruit, and nuts were also common fare of the day. We don't know for sure whether turkey was served, but it somehow become a tradition--and that's another reason to celebrate.

SKY WATCH ☆ The year's only total eclipse, of the Sun, occurs on the 3rd and is visible from the equatorial Atlantic Ocean and west central Africa. Saturn is gone, but Venus starts to show some elevation gain as it noticeably brightens to -4.8. The Moon, dangling before invisible Pluto, stands above Venus on the 6th. The Moon hovers just above Uranus on the 13th, to the lower right of Jupiter on the 21st, and to the right of faint Mars on the 27th. The Orange World is now rising at 1:00 A.M. Mercury, at magnitude -0.7, appears low in the east at about 40 minutes before sunrise, where it closely meets returning planet Saturn, which which shines at a bright magnitude 0.6, on the 25th and 26th.

Weather

Falling
srops
turn
to falling
flakes,
burying
hillsides,
fields,
and
lakes.
Gray
skies
surprise
us
with
temperatures
icy--
driving's
dicey.
This
Thanksgiving,
even
the
turkey
is
shivering!
Mild
reprieve,
we
believe.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Living in the Farmer's Almanac in October 2013


Happy Samhain!


Farmer's Calendar

Compost, often referred to as "black gold", is a safe, efficient fertilizer that contains all essential plant nutrients. In addition, it conditions the soil for maximum root growth and helps to retain soil moisture.

Creating compost is not a new idea. In fact, Nature has been doing it long before dinosaurs roamed. When leaves and dead branches fall to the forest floor and decay, they are composting. This is natural recycling, brought about through the activities of soil microbes, releases nutrients to feed plant roots, allowing future generations of leaves and shoots to flourish.

Gardeners have devised ways to speed up Nature's metabolic method. They mix lots of "brown" (carbon-rich) materials, such as straw and shredded dry leaves, with a smaller amount of "green" (nitrogen-rich) materials, such as grass clippings and garden waste. When combined properly, the materials heat up and decompose with no bad odor. Turning the pile often will hasten the process.

As landfill space becomes increasingly scarce and expressive, composting yard and kitchen waste is becoming a necessity. Some recycling centers compost and allow folks to take home the finished product for their gardens. Perhaps we are learning what Nature has known all along.

SKY WATCH ☆ Saturn is getting quite low in the west, joining horizon-hugging Venus, which, though still a mere 10 degrees up in fading twilight, brightens to magnitude -4.5 this month. Green Uranus reaches opposition at magnitude 5.7 in Pisces on the 3rd. It's an easy target in binoculars and faintly visible to the naked eye in dark skies, especially during this moonless period. The thin crescent Moon hovers between Mercury and Saturn on the 6th, a low conjunction visible to southern observers. The Moon is to the right of Venus on the 7th and to the right of Jupiter on the 24th. The Giant Planet now rises by 11:00 P.M. and can be well observed after midnight.

Weather

Showers
fade
for
autumn's
grand
parade.
Leaf
season
comes
with
lightning's
bugles
and
thunder's
drums!
Sumac
clothed
in
bright
vermillion,
golden
maples
by
the
million!
We're
not
joking:
a
Halloween
soaking!

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

LIVING IN THE HURRICANE SEASON: Does the August Lull in Atlantic Hurricane Activity Mean We Won't be Having an Active Season?


August 2013 came and went without a single Atlantic hurricane. That's unusual, but by no means unprecedented. On average, August has two hurricanes, and the first major hurricane has generally formed by September 4th. 
The short version of my conversation with Dr. Gerry Bell, NOAA’s lead seasonal hurricane forecaster, on the significance of having no August hurricanes is: "We have been fortunate to date, but don’t be fooled. There will be more hurricanes this season. Remain prepared.”
As if to prove his point, later that same day, what had been Tropical Storm Humberto intensified into a hurricane.
Infrared image of clouds, including Hurricane Humberto, over the Atlantic observed by the GOES-13 satellite on September 11 at 1:45 p.m. Eastern time. The clouds are overlaid on a composite image of the Earth made from multiple NASA satellite images. Image by Dan Pisut, NOAA Environmental Visualization Lab.
Bell said that he and his office, NOAA’s Climate Prediction Center, have been fielding questions about the August lull in Atlantic hurricanes and whether it would cause his forecast team to soften its May and August outlooks, which concluded that the 2013 season had a 70 percent chance of being more active than normal.
In a word, no.  "What happens in the early part of the season is generally not a good predictor of the second half of the season, which is when the majority of hurricanes and major hurricanes form. NOAA’s outlooks are for the season as a whole, and not for any particular month during the season,” said Bell.
.
How tropical storms, hurricanes and major hurricanes accumulate from month to month in an average year in the Atlantic Basin. The majority of all named storms (yellow), hurricanes (pink), and major hurricanes (purple) occur in the second half of the June-November season. Graph adapted from original by the National Hurricane Center.
He added, “When climate patterns are conducive as they are this year, the likelihood of an active season is high and lulls in activity such as we saw in August do not last. There are still almost three months to go in the hurricane season, and there have already been an above-average number of named storms. "
According to Bell, the August lull was partly linked to a persistent jet stream pattern that extended from the western United States across the Atlantic Ocean to southern Europe. This pattern produced unusually strong westerly winds whipping around the perimeter of a trough of low pressure in the Southeast United States and adjacent ocean areas.
These unusual westerly winds helped to produce drier air and stronger vertical wind shear (winds changing speed or direction at different altitudes) across the main hurricane development regions of the Caribbean and central tropical Atlantic. Wind shear and dry air are hurricane killers, weakening and preventing towering columns of thunderstorms from organizing into a single system in order to become a hurricane.
Vertical wind shear between the 200 millibar and 850 millibar pressure levels of the atmosphere in August 2013 compared to the 1981-2010 average. Colors show wind speeds; arrows show direction. The unusually strong westerly wind shear across the Caribbean Sea and the central tropical Atlantic (deep purple) stifled hurricane development. Map by NOAA Climate.gov, based on data provided by Gerry Bell.
Making accurate predictions for specific weather patterns, such as the stubborn August jet stream pattern, at a specific point in time is not possible months in advance. This is why NOAA does not make hurricane forecasts for individual months of the season.
Fortunately, however, several climate patterns are known which strongly control the overall seasonal hurricane activity, and they often last for entire seasons, sometimes for decades at a time.
By monitoring, understanding, and predicting these climate patterns, forecasters can often make a confident outlook of the upcoming hurricane activity for the season as a whole.
"That's the difference between predicting weather and climate,” Bell said.  
The climate factors that led NOAA to predict an active season are still in place. Since 1995, the natural climate pattern called the Atlantic Multi-decadal Oscillation (AMO) has been in a phase in which temperature, wind, and rainfall patterns favor stronger hurricane seasons.  Similar patterns also produced stronger hurricane seasons during the 1950s and 1960s.  Other hurricane-friendly climate factors this year include ENSO-neutral conditions (no El Niño or La Niña) in the Pacific Ocean, warmer than average waters in the tropical Atlantic, and a stronger-than-average West African monsoon.
"Historically, this combination of climate factors produces an active hurricane season about 70% of the time. But as we saw in August, it doesn’t control the weather in the hurricane regions every week or month," Bell said.
To better understand the distinction between weather and climate, Bell notes that each time a weather system passes, the climate factors that favor an active hurricane season are still there in the background. To picture this, I envision a pot of potatoes boiling over on the stove: if you blow on it, you can momentarily keep it from splashing down on the hot burner. But if the burner is set on high, as soon as you stop blowing, it's going to boil over again. 
Each fall, Bell and his team of hurricane season forecasters spend a couple months re-hashing the season, assessing how well the outlook matched the season as a whole, and trying to isolate any new climate factors that could help them better forecast seasonal activity. Only when the season is complete can they determine if the unusual August weather had a significant impact on the overall hurricane season. The National Weather Services provides an overview of the seasonal statistics in November each year. Look for the Climate Prediction Center's in-depth assessment on its Hurricane webpage in early 2104. Until then, the main message of NOAA’s hurricane season outlook remains unchanged: be prepared.

Living in Lyrics: Salt in the Wound by Delta Spirit


I want to disappear
Far from the folks I know
I want to get an answer
To why I was even born

No one here can tell me
What's been haunting me all my life
Well, this rat race has left me limping
'Cause I balanced on the edge of the knife

Why am I here?
Oh, what should I do?
Well, is this the point I'm trying to prove?

If there's a God in my head
Then there's a devil too
How can I tell the difference
When they both claim to be true?

Maybe God is God
Maybe the Devil is me
Well, I just throw my chains on
And tell myself that I'm free

Chains, are they really there?
Is this just in my head?
Well, I'll just stay in bed

Life sure has its meaning
Over years I have postured the sun
Thieves and preachers robbed me
For many hat that I've hung

Now with my heart wide open
I listen to the wind just for a word
Sure, I know it's futile
But that's all I have in this world

To look down from the hill and howl at the moon
All the tears I cried never salted any wounds
Well, the earth is so tender and cruel
Well, if you're not there it's still so beautiful

Delta Spirit - Salt In The Wound Lyrics

Living in Hell


Luis came home last night and got all bent out of shape that I'd spent all day in bed. He was really ticked off about it. Of course, what does he understand about any of what I am going through? He understands nothing - zilch. He does try from time to time, but truly it is a wasted effort: not because of lack of imagination, but lack of knowledge. He has never missed a day of work in his life. I think he has taken a total of eight sick days with CLS, where he has worked since age 19. He rarely if ever takes vacation, even though he fought hard for CLS to give three weeks (instead of the paltry one) - and let's be honest, here. I was the one who pushed like mad for that. A company is only as good as it's employees, and unhappy employees are not good ones. But I am losing my focus.

Luis has never taken any kind of disability - not temporary or permanent (don't be fooled by the term "permanent" as pertains to working. Temporary disability is for six months, and then the employee in question moves to permanent disability, which might be three weeks or three years. In my sad case, it is indeed permanent as the word implies: without a miracle, I will never work again. And I am not being negative, merely truthful, when I say that there is no cure, no palliative, nothing. Doctors and groups are working on Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy, but ignoring completely the adult onset variations. Great news. eh?

On 24 August, I was in a car accident, where, against all odds, I spun across the road, and hit only a telephone pole. No other vehicles, no other people, just a telephone pole, leaning majestically over North Beverwyck in front of the new 7-11 (or QuikCheck - I can never recall which is which). I'm grateful that I only beaned the telephone pole (although I'm hoping I won't get a bill for it) and nothing living. I myself ended up with a perfect imprint of the bruises from the seat belt. Those have long since disappeared. I still have phantom pains from the bruised ribs, but I will have that for a while, no doubt, in the nature of such injuries.

My car was not so fortunate. She gave her life up so I could have mine.

And I know I should feel blessed, lucky, fortunate, happy to be alive. But the truth is, I am lost, miserable,  so painfully alone. Lost in depression, lost in the trap I lived in for so long since leaving work - both as an HR Manager and as an EMT. I went from being on top of the world with a life so charmed it was all I could take to not wait for the other shoe to drop. And it did.

I have to live in this new... new... I can't call it a "world", but more like a new Hell. I was depressed a very long time after losing out on everything. I rarely left the house, rarely left the upper story of the house. I hardly spent time in my hammock. I ceased to enjoy all the things in life I loved. I became a recluse. I live online, and sometimes - rarely - on the telly. But this is not really living, and I know this.

This spring and summer I turned a corner and suddenly began to live once again - go places, spend time with my father, spend time out of the house. I was so happy again, and even got a pass for the Renaissance Faire to spend time up there with friends. It was grand to belong to something again, to drive so far, to be a distance from home. I was even beginning to think of vacations and trips.

Until I had my accident. No car. No life. No escape. Nothing. I've been spending days in bed, not eating, just enough to keep my health sort of okay, not doing anything in the house. This isn't living.

I'm not living.

And I am just wondering... is it worth it to go on living a half-life? Or a quarter-life? Or, as more in my case, no life? Is it really worth it? I'm 45 years old. I can't imagine living to a ripe old age of, say, 80 with no life, no living, no car, no freedom. Can you? Can anyone?

I await what shall surely be a deafening silence.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Living in MasterChef - Only Five Standing


And two of them are the worst-tempered, egotistical, wretched people in the show.

Such a pity. I realise that this is not Hell's Kitchen and they need not work well others and play nice in the sandbox as managers, but still - who wants a woman who is stuck in high school and thinks that beating other women up is the way to handle people and a woman who rides all others as lesser beings and can't be civil to her fellow contestants to win? The answer is no, no one does. Forget the other prizes involved, I don't feel they deserve or can handle the cash prize involved any more than they can handle people.

I digress.

This is it: we are down to the last five contestants. It is now 4 September (this aired last Thursday; the new episode will air tomorrow night). The new "regular" television season will begin very soon. It is time to wrap this "off-season" chow and move on. We are all ready to see who will (well, has) become the new MasterChef.

The remaining contestants are James, Luca, Jesse, Krissi, and Natasha. If you have read my last MasterChef post, you know the two I don't care for. Not that you wouldn't be able to guess in a moment if you watch MasterChef - the descriptions I gave are right on the money.

The interesting part of this group is that the two I least like are both extremely talented home cooks. James - well, James is likable enough, but how he managed to stay in while Jordan killed himself overdoing everything he touched up until he was voted off the island by the judges is a mystery. Actually, it isn't, but when we first saw Jordan cook to get into MasterChef, we both thought he was going to be in the very top contestants remaining. It was shocking how fast he lost control.

James is still here, however, at least of this moment. Still, I doubt he will remain in the competition past this episode.

Luca is fun and quite a great guy, as well as a good home cook. He tried out last season, they declined to bring him in but said he should try in the next season's applications, and here he is. He started out well, got stuck in his rut (he's from Italy and cooked almost nothing but Italian food) and now has pulled out ahead of the pack. I have no objections to him winning or placing second. Anything else would disappoint.

Jesse is the best of the female contestants, both of those gone and those remaining. As impressed and completely baffled as I was by how far Bri made it in this show - as a vegetarian, in a show where protein is a major component of nearly every food challenge given - I just knew as we all did on some level that she could not win. It is not at all conceivable that a vegetarian can cook every meat when she cannot overcome whatever it is that made her give up on proteins to taste what she's made! I thought she was quite good to get as far as she did, but not able to go further. Jesse, on the other hand, can cook alligator. I think she can cook anything. Luca, on the other hand, can cook all the meats but alligator. He won't have run into this yet.

Today they will be working with Paula Deen on a luncheon. This woman has the worst Southern accent, just unreal. She sounds uneducated. Some do, obviously. She may know cooking and well, but this was filmed just before all that brouhaha came out about the disgusting and horrifyingly prejusiced comments. I mean, who says stuff like that? At first it was that this happened a long, long time ago, but no, some of it has just happened. She is not painted in a very good light at the moment. But she is here on MasterChef and we shall see what happens.

So the remaining contestants are going to cook Southern food. Each one will get a protein to cook. Natasha may sink here, as she is from South Africa, her mother from Argentina (that explains the thick black hair, her only really nice feature), and her father is from Croatia - quite a mix of cultures and backgrounds - such a pity she is so close-minded. But she is unfamiliar with Southern cuisine, and maybe - just maybe - she will be out of this competition this time around. (I will grudgingly admit that I tend to doubt it, however. She has proven to be a formidable opponent, even if she is a miserable bitch.)

The meats will be Kentucky chicken, Alabama pork chops, Georgia shrimp, Mississippi catfish and a little gator tail. (I guess the gators are everywhere, so they don't get a state designation. Luca has won the last test, so he selected his meat first: the pork chops. Natasha got the catfish, Jesse got the alligator, Krissy got shrimp, and James the chicken. James, of course, is relieved, but I have noticed that anytime someone gets chicken - or something that they feel comfortable with - they sink. So I have to think that Natasha and Jesse will excel with meats outside of each person's comfort zone, but James will get cocky and Krissy of course is just going to be midline, and Luca... well, that could go either way.

Krissy apparently knows Southern foods - she is making fried green tomatoes and collard greens (because no one down south eats that...), but who knows how the shrimp will turn out.

James has a problem - the chicken cutlets are huge and there is too much chance that it will be undercooked. Somehow, too often this season, people have undercooked chicken, the one and only killer mistake. Other food will maybe make one sick, but undercooked chicken is too often a death sentence. Yuck.

It is amazing how fast these challenges go by.

Natasha is having trouble with her catfish sticking to the grill - the buttermilk is to blame for this - so she is going to do something different to ensure that this will not be raw. James, by way of contrast, has assured the judges that his chicken was cooked properly, but it was pink, as in raw. So he stuck it back in the oven for the remaining four minutes. Somehow, four minutes will not be enough.

Everyone is happy with their foods except James. They are each dropping their dish off at the appropriate table, giving the people an overview of what they made, and then heading back to wait. The top two dishes will move forward, the rest will be in a pressure test.

People are raving over the pork chops and alligator; the shrimp and catfish is okay, the chicken is raw. They are allowing James to cook it more (which is a departure from the norm, but I guess they did not want the table of revelers to be screwed out of a meal), but he is definitely going into the pressure test with raw chicken. Unsurprising.

Natasha's catfish is undercooked. She will be going to the pressure test. James has the worst issues, but Natasha is the next one there. I suspect that Luca and Jesse will move on as the top two, and Krissi will end up in yet another pressure test. She has been in every single pressure test, but this is not because of her cooking as much as her piss-poor attitude.

Paula will be telling the chefs who is moving forward to the top two positions (dishes). She thanked all the contestants, and then said that the top two going forward are Luca and Jesse! Yahoo! And Krissy, who was sure hers had the best presentation and taste, looks pissed off. I had to laugh. So did Luis.

Krissy is too typical and predictable at this point.

Luca and Jesse are safe from elimination and are heading into the pantry to make game-changing decisions regarding the elimination test and the three in it. If Luca and Jesse are smart, they can kill off one of the bigger pains - Natasha or Krissy. James is not a real threat.

There is an appetizer, an entree and a dessert, covered up in front of each chef. Chef Ramsey has the appetizer, a scallop salad with curry, fresh perigo truffles. The entree is Joe's, a fillet Rossini. The dessert is Graham's Greek yoghurt panagata. Whoa, that looks hard. If it were me, I'd give Natasha the entree, Krissy the dessert, and James the appetizer. But that is just me. Luca gave the appetizer to Natasha. Jesse gave the entree to Krissy. And James gets the dessert. He is completely sunk. James can't manage desserts at all. He knows it, too. He described it as a "death sentence". Smart man.

Forty-five minutes to make the dishes. This will be interesting. What a pity. They should have given James something much easier to keep his easy to beat butt. And then, Luca said he wanted James to stay in the competition! Huh? Then why give him a dessert, something you know - KNOW - he cannot do?! Stupid. Very tactically thoughtless.

Natasha works fast but keeps things moving along very well. She keeps her station fairly neat, she is organised and works without getting too stressed out. James is doomed and he knows it. Krissy works, but she is sloppy as hell and gets far too stressed out. She gets bent out of shape too easily. Personally, I would use that to my advantage... throw a few hundred comments about what a stupid, poor cook she is, get her all riled up and watch her implode. I would enjoy it.

Natasha's plating is not great, but the taste is great, and he gives her credit for pulling it off and making a bloody good effort. Graham wished there would be more vinaigrette. She lost points on the plating.

Krissy has a plate that looks good, and the meat is more medium than medium rare, but delicious. Rats. Joe did not think she had it in her - I didn't either, but if she'd gotten the appetizer, she might be gone.

James... his dessert looks horrendous by comparison. He said it looks close, but I don't see that. The panicotta isn't set. It is lumpy. They all liked the taste, but the panicotta got him sunk. He's done.

The three judges went off to confer and Krissy chatted with James, and Natasha was on her own. But James knows he is history. So do we.

They did not torture the remaining three long at all. They told Krissy and Natasha to say good-bye to James. Gordon told him to go back home, marry his fiancé, and continue cooking as well as get into a kitchen.

James told them in response to Gordon's question as to who will win that Luca will be the number one chef. That was nice. No one has said Krissy will win. Heh, heh, heh...

Onto the next battle!