Thursday, 30 November 2006

American Pie

A long, long time ago
I can still remember how
That music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while


But February made me shiver
With every paper I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step

I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died

So, bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Did you write the book of love
And do you have faith in God above
If the Bible tells you so

Now do you believe in rock and roll
Can music save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to dance real slow

Well, I know that you're in love with him
'Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym
You both kicked off your shoes
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues

I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died

I started singin'
Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Now, for ten years we've been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rolling stone
But, that's not how it used to be

When the jester sang for the king and queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me

Oh, and while the king was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned

And while Lennon read a book on Marx
The quartet practiced in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died

We were singin'
Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Helter skelter in a summer swelter
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter
Eight miles high and falling fast

Landed flat on the grass
The players tried for a forward pass
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While sergeants played a marching tune
We all got up to dance
Oh, but we never got the chance

'Cause the players tried to take the field
The marching band refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died

We started singin'
Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Oh, and there we were all in one place
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again

So come on Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack Flash sat on a candlestick
'Cause fire is the devil's only friend

And as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No angel born in Hell
Could break that Satan's spell

And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I saw Satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

He was singin'
Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away

I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before
But the man there said the music wouldn't play

And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The church bells all were broken

And the three men I admire most
The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died

And they were singin'
Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

They were singin'
Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

["The day the music died" was February 3, 1959 when a planecrash killed Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens]
This seems like the perfect and most fitting way to close out a month of music. Music is a huge, huge part of my life, one without which the days would be empty and the world flat. I love my job. I love the challenge, the needs, the work. It's a very intense, intensive job, though, and by the time I left last night, arms hanging, feet shuffling, weeriness in every limb, I really felt completely deflated - but happy! So happy - the music bouyed me through another rough day; and then, when I slip gratefully into my car, there was the music again, to lift the spirit, put bounce in my step, return the glint of good humour to my eye, to return the impish grin and return to me my sense of the ridiculous! I sat up straighter, despite the unrelenting twinge of "you've-overdone-it-again" back pain. My hair looked better (I still need another hair dryer, but you know what I mean...), my eyes brighter, the sky perfect and empty but for stars... all was right with the world. And thanks to music, every day is like that!
The world needs music!

Wednesday, 29 November 2006

When I Fall

I look straight in the window,
try not to look below
Pretend I'm not up here,
try counting sheep

But the sheep seem to shower
off this office tower
Nine-point-eight straight down

I can't stop my knees

I wish I could fly
From this building
From this wall

And if I should try
Would you catch me
if I fall?

My hands clench the squeegee,
my secular rosary
Hang on to your wallet,
hang on to your rings
Can't look below me,
or something might throw me

Curse at the windstorms
that October brings
I look in the boardroom;
a modern pharaoh's tomb
I'd gladly swap places,
if they care to dive
They're lined up at the window,
peer down into limbo
They're frightened of jumping,
in case they survive

I wish I could step
from this scaffold
Onto soft green pastures,
shopping malls, or bed
With my family and my pastor
and my grandfather who's Dead

Look straight in the mirror,
watch it come clearer
I look like a painter,
behind all the grease

But painting's creating,
and I'm just erasing
A crystal-clear canvas
is my masterpiece

I wish I could fly
From this building
From this wall

And if I should try
Would you catch me
if I fall?


I was just listening to the other Barenaked Ladies CD after having had the latest release at the time, Maroon. I was driving over early in the morning to our new house, 16 Crescent Drive, with the cats, kitchen goods and anything else that we needed to have right away. As I pulled up this song was playing. I guess it was an emotional moment... good feelings, mostly, but also big scary changes...

Tuesday, 28 November 2006

Wrap Your Arms Around Me

I concede that you were right about this place
I can make a perfect likeness of your body if I trace
I can hold you until you turn out the light
and I can't see

Do you believe that we are all innately good
Do you think that you would love me until tomorrow if you could
Would you please turn down the radioso we can speak
I put my hands around your neck and you wrap your arms around me


Put my hands around your neck
you wrap your arms around me
I put my hands around your neck
you wrap your arms around me

I regret every time I raised my voice
And it wouldn't be that bright of me to say I had no choice.
I can kiss your eyes your hair your neck
until we forgetI concede that you were right about this place
I can make a perfect likeness of your body if I trace
I can hold you until we turn out the light and I can't see
I can't see.

Monday, 27 November 2006

Tonight is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel

Driving home to be with you
The highway's dividing, the city's in view

As usual, I'm almost on time
You're the last thing that's on my mind

I wish I could tell you the way that I feel
But tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

No commotion, no screaming brakes
Most of it's over before I awake

From the ceiling, my coffee cup drips
While out my window, the horizon does flips

The worst part was hitting the ground -
Not the feeling so much as the sound

Can't help but wonder if all this is real
Cause tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

Rubberneck traffic and passersby
And Slow Motion Walter the fire engine guy

Stand around with their mouths open wide
I heard some idiot ask if someone's inside
With the Jaws of Life they tried and they tried

Nobody here can know how I feel
Cause tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

I guess it's over now
Cause I've never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much

I guess it's over now
Cause I've never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
So much blood...

In all the confusion, there's something serene
I'm just a posthumous part of the scene

Now I'm floating above looking in
As the radio blares and wheels spin
I can see my face slump with a grin

And you...you're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind

Sunday, 26 November 2006

Pinch Me

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess.

There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk, but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside.

It's like a dream - you try to remember
but it's gone then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna
make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on.

Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon.

It's like a dream - you try to remember
but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna
make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.

Pinch Me
Pinch Me
Cos I'm still asleep.
Please God
Tell Me
That I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I packed a car and leave this town
Who'll notice that I'm not around?

I could hide out under there
I just made you say 'underwear'
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway.

It's like a dream - you try to remember
but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna
make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Try to figure out what all this is for.

Saturday, 25 November 2006

Murder By Numbers

Once that you've decided on a killing,
First you make a stone of your heart.
And if you find that your hands are still willing,
Then you can turn a murder into art.

There really isn't any need for bloodshed,
You just do it with a little more finesse.
If you can slip a tablet into someone's coffee,
Then it avoids an awful lot of mess.

It's murder by numbers, 1, 2, 3,
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers, 1, 2, 3,
It's as easy to learn as your ABC.

Now if you have a taste for this experience
And you're flushed with your very first success,
Then you must try a twosome or a threesome
And you'll find your conscience bothers you much less

Because murder is like anything you take to
It's a habit-forming need for more and more.
You can bump off every member of your family
And anybody else you find a bore

Because it's murder by numbers, 1, 2, 3,
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers, 1, 2, 3,
It's as easy to learn as your ABC.

Now you can join the ranks of the illustrious
In history's great dark hall of fame.
All our greatest killers were industrious
At least the ones that we all know by name

But you can reach the top of your profession
If you become the leader of the land,
For murder is the sport of the elected,
And you don't need to lift a finger of your hand

Because it's murder by numbers, 1, 2, 3,
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers, 1, 2, 3,
It's as easy to learn as your A, B, C, D, E...

And what would music be without humour?

Friday, 24 November 2006

Ghost of a Chance

Like a million little doorways
All the choices we made
All the stages we passed through
All the roles we played

For so many different directions
Our separate paths might have turned
With every door that we opened
Every bridge that we burned

Somehow we find each other
Through all that masquerade
Somehow we found each other
Somehow we have stayed
In a state of grace

I don't believe in destiny
Or the guiding hand of fate
I don't believe in forever
Or love as a mystical state

I don't believe in the stars or the planets
Or angels watching from above
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance
we can find someone to love
And make it last...

Like a million little crossroads
Through the back streets of youth
Each time we turn a new corner
A tiny moment of truth

For so many different connections
Our separate paths might have made
With every door that we opened
Every game we played

Somehow we find each other
Through all that masquerade
Somehow we found each other
Somehow we have stayed
In a state of grace

I don't believe in destiny
Or the guiding hand of fate
I don't believe in forever
Or love as a mystical state

I don't believe in the stars or the planets
Or angels watching from above
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance
we can find someone to love
And make it last...

I do believe in the planets and the stars, but not in an astrological sense, but in an awe-struck, wow, sort of sense. I do believe that loved ones do stay with you after they have died. I do think that there is something mystical and magical about love, as you never know who will light that spark within you. I also know that for many people there is a better than just a ghost of a chance that they will find love. I don't think that there is only one great love. I think that women who don't learn all the wrong lessons in life such as jealousy, sex and love being the same and other huge mistaken beliefs will have amazing love experiences in their lives. Like me. Like others.

I am not "lucky in love"; I work hard to make this a workable, wonderful relationship. It is work, it is a masterpiece in progress. All really worthwhile relationships are just that. It is never a finished painting, but an ongoing project, a morphing and constantly changing mosaic.

Vital Signs

Unstable condition
A symptom of life
In mental and environmental change

Atmospheric disturbance
The feverish flux
Of human interface and interchange

The impulse is pure
Sometimes our circuits get shorted
By external interference

Signals get crossed
And the balance distorted
By internal incoherence

A tired mind become a shape-shifter
Everybody need a mood lifter
Everybody need reverse polarity

Everybody got mixed feelings
About the function and the form
Everybody got to deviate from the norm

An ounce of perception
A pound of obscure
Process information at half speed

Pause, rewind, replay
Warm memory chip
Random sample, hold the one you need

Leave out the fiction
The fact is, this friction
Will only be worn by persistence

Leave out conditions
Courageous convictions
Will drag the dream into existence

A tired mind become a shape-shifter
Everybody need a soft filter
Everybody need reverse polarity

Everybody got mixed feelings
About the function and the form
Everybody got to elevate from the norm...

I think this song says it all, as only Rush can say it.

Black Friday

Unlike Friday the 13th, this is not an oft-occurring phenomena. It happens once a year, and it is always - without fail - the Friday following Thanksgiving. After giving thanks for family, food and friends, many make it a tradition to go out and spend all their money on Christmas shopping. That would be the morning after not giving thanks for all the debt you are in anyway... and will shortly be plunging farther into that abyss.

Well, too late.

At any rate, an interesting bit of trivia (I do so love useless bits of information). Black Friday is so named not because as anyone who has ever survived the holidays in retail of any kind knows is the WORST day of the year to work in said retail. It is rather monikered this because it is the one day of the year that any mall-based business is in the black, not the red. Hence, Black Friday.

That is all a very short-lived thing, and more so as time marches on and people turn more and more to Internet shopping. Quite honestly, I would not go anywhere near a mall from Thanksgiving until 3 January ever again. Unfortunately, Luis does not agree and will happily drag me into any shopping establishment at this time of year more than any other. So last night I grudgingly agreed to allow myself to be pulled into the Rockaway Townsquare Mall (kicking and screaming and making many biting, sarcastic remarks - yes, there is a price to be paid for my little concessions!) on Black Friday under one very stringent provisio... we go first thing in the morning, as the mall is opening, or we will never make it in.

Well. Who knew?

Have you seen what the stores are doing this year? I went online around 0540 this morning knowing that the malls have extended hours for this weekend through Christmas, and figuring that rather than opening at 1000, they'd be opening at 0830, or mayble 0900. OK, maybe some nutty places, like the department stores (Macy's, JC Penny's, Bamburger's - does that store still exist? - all the places I don't shop), would open at 0800, an hour ahead of the smaller, more specialised stores. Well... I went onto the Rockaway site - not the brightest people on the planet - as they had no special hours posted on the main page for the holidays. (Everyone else had the brains to update their Web sites appropriately...) All stores have special hours now - otherwise there'd be a losing competition for those stores that don't - so I knew that couldn't be right.

I went to other mall Web sites and sure enough, they've all got special hours. Special hours for the next four weeks and special hours for the next three days. I was absolutely not prepared for what the special hours were! Willowbrook Mall in Wayne was opening up at 0600. 0600! What the hell?! Paramus Park was opening at 0500! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! So I called the Rockaway Mall, got the hours part of the voice system, and they reported opening at 0500 and some stores at 0600! Ye gods!

So. When I called for the hours, some completely insane people - a lot of them - were already shopping for bloody near to an hour! When there wouldn't be any daylight for another hour!

I can't get over that.

I go into work and I get in between 0550 and 0615. I prefer it that way, as it allows me time to get things done without the constant interruptions that is any HR person's life. I want that. I want regularity and consistency and I absolutely need some downtime, some non-people, private time, to get a lot of little things and some big things done. But it is entirely my choice and I like it that way.

If I still worked in retail, I would be super unbelievably pissed off if I had to get up at 0330 to get to work by 0430 to prep and be ready for the incredibly stupid masses that flood any mall on Black Friday. I worked Black Friday twice in my life and so hated it that I refused outright to ever work it again. Never again. Even when I crawled back into the hated world of retail again in 2001, I found the job after the Thanksgiving weekend. I was not going to work on Black Friday. Ever. Never ever.

Now I know why!

Thursday, 23 November 2006

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving!

I don't like turkey...

This is a perfectly fine holiday. It isn't my favourite, but that has nothing to do with any specific objections, just the simple fact that I don't have any liking for turkey as a food. White or dark meat, it is unappealing - unless there is a boatload of sauce on it. And even then, fussy person that I am (just ask Gregwa), I don't care much for the standard turkey sauce. Douse it in teriyake sauce and then there is something to drool over! But the usual fixin's (as it were) aren't workable to me - yams/potatoes, cranberry sauce, turkey, whatever vegetable, the list goes on. I live for Christmas and Easter - then we talking about Virginia smoked ham and there is no end to my love of ham!

Unlike Columbus Day, where I object to diefying Christopher Columbus, I have no particular beef with the Pilgrims and less with the local Americans. The Pilgrims weren't my kind of people. They are more standard for overly religious (along the lines of Roman Catholics) people, with the whole suffering thing - they are always pushing for pain, I'm always pulling for pleasure... They came here to found a land on religious freedom - their religion. Of course. Why should anyone consider other religions, or the lack of it? They had some funny ideas about people and still happily persecuted (or outright killed) those who didn't buy into their religion or "lost the way". Lots of fairness...

The local inhabitants, the Lenai Lenapi (I think that is the really local Native Americans), bother me much less. So do the locals of the Massachusetts area, where everyone first landed. They were a little taken aback by the English (and why shouldn't they?) but it sounds like they were interested to meet new people and maybe they weren't all of a mind to like us, but they made an effort and showed the settlers how to live in this foreign and seemingly inhostpitable land. The winter must've been a shocker. It certainly is to my British pen friends, who rarely see snow and are baffled as to how we handle it so easily. But the Americans soon discovered how avericious we are, and came to regret helping us. The British, the French, the Spanish, anyone who came here showed a pretty basic and brutal side and that was the end of that.

But the idea of Thanksgiving is nice, even if we've stopped thanking the Native Americans. I just want better fare out of it!

Wednesday, 22 November 2006

Bravado

If we burn our wings
Flying too close to the sun
If the moment of glory
Is over before it's begun

If the dream is won
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost


When the dust has cleared
And victory denied
A summit too lofty
River a little too wide

If we keep our pride
Though paradise is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost


And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All the sacrifice in vain

(And) If love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost


(And) If love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
We will pay the price

But we will not count the cost

And if love remains...

And do we count the cost? For some things, we do not count the cost. Someone once wrote, " Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all." Wise words. I am the better for having loved than to have missed out on this experience. I will never be less for having had this bliss for the past sixteen and a half years. I have no regrets about it. And it may be that I will pay the price for this some time down the road. But I won't count the cost, as I will have nearly two decades of abject happiness to look back on.

And the love will remain...

Tuesday, 21 November 2006

Cold Fire

It was long after midnight
When we got to unconditional love
She said, 'Sure, my heart is boundless
But don't push my limits too far'

I said, 'If love was so transcendent
I don't understand these boundaries'
She said, 'Just don't disappoint me
You know how complex women are'

I'll be around
If you don't let me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't let me down

It was just before sunrise
When we started on traditional roles
She said, 'Sure, I'll be your partner
But don't make too many demands'

I said, 'If love has these conditions
I don't understand those songs you love'
She said, 'This is not a love song
This isn't fantasyland'

Don't go too far
A phosphorescent wave on a tropical sea is a cold fire
Don't cross the line
The pattern of moonlight on the bedroom floor is a cold fire

Don't let me down
The flame at the heart of a pawnbroker's diamond is a coldfire
Don't break the spell
The look in your eyes as you head for the door is a cold fire

I'll be around
If you don't push me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't push me down

I'll be around
If you don't push me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't push me down


Don't go too far
A phosphorescent wave on a tropical sea is a cold fire
Don't cross the line
The pattern of moonlight on the bedroom floor is a cold fire

Don't let me down
The flame at the heart of a pawnbroker's diamond is a coldfire
Don't break the spell
The look in your eyes as you head for the door is a cold fire


I'll be around
If you don't push me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't push me down

I'll be around

If you don't push me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't push me down
I'll be around
If you don't let me down


Love is blind if you are gentle
Love can turn to a long, cold burn...

That sounds like me all over, doesn't it? This is a song I identify with completely. I am practical about my feelings regarding love, and I am totally aware of the fact that love is conditional. Unconditional love is unusual and rare. It certainly does not occur between people. It may be with my cats, but no, they have two conditions: I love them on their terms, and I feed them. See what I mean? Conditional.

And that is fine.

Exhausted

Last night was long. Yesterday was long. Longer than I'd been through in a while.

The history is that Ray injured his knee at work about a month ago. He went to the hospital, then to the assigned orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Okezie, then on to Chilton Hospital on Thursday, 16 November to have the arthroscopic surgery. He was groggy but pretty much okay on Thursday afternoon, but on Thursday night he was in agony.

I spoke at length to the doctor on the phone and he prescribed Ray some Oxycontin (ye gods!) and I ran out to the CVS to get it. It took some time but they finally got it in and I was able to get back to the house around 2300. I stayed until just past midnight to see that he was OK.

Friday was uneventful and Saturday I had one phone call at night that Ray was in pain again. Ma stuffed him full of more pills.

Sunday morning, after not sleeping at all, Ma called around 0830 - Ray is in agony and she is calling 9-1-1 to come and get him as she can't move him. (Not surprising, since he weighs 300lbs.) So Luis and I get showered and dressed, and we make it Chilton just as the EMS team is moving his stretcher through to maneouver him to a bed. It took all four of the EMTs, an orderly and myself to move him onto the ER bad. It wasn't fun for Ray, but he could not tie up the emergency services stretcher.

We were there from around 1000 until just before 1600. Not fun. We were thinking that he would be released, although after a shot of demerol and then another analgesic, he was still in a lot of pain... not good at all. Then his blood panels came back and his white cell count was elevated. I wasn't surprised. I was surprised that I could see Ray's lymph nodes that are under his jaw protruding and the doctor had not... So they decided to admit him.

Yesterday, I went into work to get payroll run and finish up a few details and then head to the hospital, knowing that by then they'd have aspirated the knee to reduce the swelling and start him on antibiotics. By the time I got there at 1400, the knee was enormously swollen, but still not hot to the touch. But Ray was in much more pain than Sunday. So we stayed and waited for the 1600 surgery to take place.

Ma had to leave at 1630, as it was getting dark out and she can't drive at night. I remainded with Ray, and around 1720 we were able to go down to the presurgical area. I was allowed to stay with him. He was in constant and unbelievable agony. By the time they decided to take him to the Recovery area to administer more pain meds, it was close to 1800 and Ray was crying and yelling and reduced to a wreck. After they wheeled him out I sank down onto a chair and began to cry. I can put up with a lot but seeing my father crying - like a baby - from pain is a lot more than I can handle. I'm just glad I stayed very cool and calm about it all until he was not in the room.

The surgery, which should have been an hour, took two. I'm OK with that if this meant that every last bit of contagion came out and the knee is clean. They put in a drain to consistently discharge the fluid and keep the knee lavaged. He is on pain medication and on antibiotics, and I would not leave until his pain had gone down to a midrange number. When I first went in to the recovery room, Ray was completely disoriented and confused and kept asking again and again why he was there. Then he was muttering that this is a conspiracy. (Ah, the mind when still in the influence of general anesthesia...) It was disturbing but amusing. I wasn't particularly worried... I know enough about general anesthesia and how it works, to know that this is all normal. He knew who I was after a moment. He knew my age. He did not where he was, why his legs hurt and why he was there. He did not know what year it was. He would wander into a daze for a few moments until the pain in his knee woke him and then was confused again. After about 2145 he began to recall a lot more - where he was, what had transpired to put him there, remembering the state he was in just before going in to surgery, the date, who had called while he was in surgery, and the paranoia just faded away as expected. The nurse from Respiratory showed up with a C-Pap, and they gave him a shot in the rear of morphine. Then an hour and a little later they finally administered a higher dose of morphine. I left around 2335, head home, and finally sank into bed. I was in to work at 0645, out of work at 1330, at Chilton from 1400 to 2340 and then got home around 2350... That is a really, really long day...

But worth it.

Monday, 20 November 2006

Available Light/Dreamline

The restless wind
Has seen all things
In every kind of light
Rising with the full moon
To go howling through the night

The sleepless wind
Has heard all things
Between the sea and sky
In the canyons of the city
You can hear the buildings cry

Oh the wind can carry
All the voices of the sea
Oh the wind can carry
All the echoes home to me

Run with wind and weather
To the music of the sea
All four winds together
Can't bring the world to me
Chase the wind around the world
I want to look at life
In the available light

Play of light
A photograph
The way I used to be
Some half forgotten stranger
Doesn't mean that much to me

Trick of light
Moving picture
Moments caught in flight
Make the shadows darker
Or the colors shine too bright

Oh the light can carry
All the visions of the sea
Oh the light can carry
All the images to me

Run to light from shadow
Sun gives me no rest
Promise offered in the east
Broken in the west
Chase the sun around the world
I want to look at life
In the available light

Oh the wind can carry
All the voices of the sea
Oh the wind can carry
All the echoes home to me


All four winds together
Can't bring the world to me
Shadows hide the play of light
So much I want to see
Chase the light around the world
I want to look at life
In the available light

I'll go with the wind
I'll stand in the light

I love the light, I delight in the sun and the way it moves through the sky and lights my way. But I love the darkness, with the stars and planets moving in their aligned paths; the dance they share in the heavens. The light of the moon, full or crescent; the transcendence of the stars when the moon is shrouded from view by the Earth.

He's got a road map of Jupiter
A radar fix on the stars
All along the highway
She's got a liquid-crystal compass
A picture book of the rivers
Under the Sahara

They travel in the time of the prophets
On a desert highway straight to the heart of the sun
Like lovers and heroes, and the restless part of everyone
We're only at home when we're on the run
On the run

He's got a star map of Hollywood
A list of cheap motels
All along the freeway
She's got a sister out in Vegas
The promise of a decent job
Far away from her hometown

They travel on the road to redemption
A highway out of yesterday -- that tomorrow will bring
Like lovers and heroes, birds in the last days of spring
We're only at home when we're on the wing
On the wing

When we are young
Wandering the face of the Earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we're only immortal
For a limited time

Time is a gypsy caravan
Steals away in the night
To leave you stranded in Dreamland
Distance is a long-range filter
Memory a flickering light
Left behind in the heartland

We travel in the dark of the new moon
A starry highway traced on the map of the sky
Like lovers and heroes, lonely as the eagle's cry
We're only at home when we're on the fly
On the fly

When we are young
Wandering the face of the Earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we're only immortal
For a limited time

We travel on the road to adventure
On a desert highway straight to the heart of the sun
Like lovers and hereos, and the restless part of everyone
We're only at home when we're on the run
On the run...

More meaningful lyrics. To me, anyway. Getty Lee certainly has a way with words. The whole band does and why shouldn't they? All have been through tremendous highs and lows, heartbreaks and accomplishments. They have been through it all to the other side of the sun...

Sunday, 19 November 2006

Blind Spots

I love Grey's Anatomy. They seem to hit on all the strong points in life. This week it was blind spots.

Meredith came into work and told everyone that dark and twisty Meredith is gone, and now it is bright and shiny Meredith. So shiny your teeth will hurt.

I'm fairly bright and shiny, but I don't find it an effort to be so. But I do understand blind spots. I have them, too. I like my blind spots. Sometimes having those blind spots allows me to be more bright and shiny instead of dark and twisty. I prefer to be open and honest about what I'm feeling and experiencing and going through. Sometimes, however, one has to not go through something until it is the right time and those blind spots are an object put there by my brain to make it a non-issue until it is time to deal with it.

What things?

Oh, gods, I don't know. Stuff at work that bothers me, although I can't honestly say that procrastination falls in the same category as being blind to something. Things I see as an EMT. Dead people, fatalities, the survivors. Then again, I normally will talk about anything I go through as an EMT and that airs it out, makes it easier to bear. Maybe my flaws. I can tell you with absolute certainty what they are. I just can't seem to fix them. Well, I try, but oftentimes it seems like a lost cause. My family? No, not really. I do things for my parents. I go over there and nurse my father through the agony of knee surgery (been there, done that, wore out the tee shirt...), talk to their doctors for them, make sure that they are okay, play the strong bitch when my mother is in the hospital and not getting what she needs. Make the hard decisions. Rehab after hospital stay? Ventilator or no ventilator? Heroic measures or not? I can do all of that.

I don't know now. It sounded very sensible on Grey's Anatomy, something that I can identify with.

I suspect it is other's behaviour which really underscores this. I am pretty onboard with my flaws, my issues, my worries in life. I see other people do the blind spot thing. I see it all the time. As a Human Resources Manager, as an EMT, as a person, as a daughter, as a friend. There are so many people who want to go through life being so positive and not acknowledging those scary things in life, that they put up walls to the reality and just smile and seem so happy and don't deal with those issues and problems. The things that bother them. I can always identify with the human condition as a whole. We all have or have had that behaviour in our lives.

Oh, crud, I have a call.

Silk, Silk, Silk...

Someone told me to repeat after them: silk, silk, silk.

Then he or she (it may have been Luis, but I don't remember) asked me, "What do cows drink?"

I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. I answered it incorrectly. It just bounced out of my head and into my brain and clearly it was not the right answer. But I'm not quick-thinking like that, it's not how my brain is designed. That doesn't make it any better that this is the case. I'm not an idiot. But that whole "thank fast!" and throw me an object thing doesn't work. For whatever reason, I can never catch the object.

It doesn't help that my short-term memory is absolutely abyssmal. It is, and quite frankly, it was never something to write home about, but it is worse now. This is in large part due to the sleep aid that I take (four nights of the week) and it is not a good thing. Someday I will get off of this. But I'm someone who needs time to think things through. When I stop myself from reacting to stimuli and think - really think - about it, I do the right thing and have the right answers. I am constantly trying to train myself to do that all the time. It is when I react instead of proact[ively] respond, then I screw up and do things too fast, too panicky... it is not a good thing.

My coworker loves to tell me that I am as sharp as a marble. I have to laugh and agree with me. Things he mentioned a week ago are totally gone from memory, but something I did ten years ago stands out clear as a bell. Now, when someone who is in his or her 70s does that, it is understandable. I'm 38. Where does that leave me? Early onset Alzheimers? Uh, no. Not on your life. But it does make me look like I either partied too hard in the 60s (do your math - not possible) or I'm an idiot... or, and worse, for someone in my profession, I wasn't listening.

I am not the best listener in the world. I don't mean to lose track of what people tell me but my brain is fifty light years ahead of me, my subject and anything that is being said and I have to tell myself to focus! Pay attention to what the person is saying. I know my coworker is being funny and I love it when he says that, it's funny to me. I understand that sort of whit. But he is right, too, and that is not good.

So, repeat after me: silk, silk, silk.

What do cows drink?

It is not milk...

Saturday, 18 November 2006

The Speed of Love

Love is born with lightning bolts
Electro-magnetic force
Burning skin and fireworks
A storm on a raging course

Like a force of nature
Love can fade with the stars at dawn
Sometimes it takes all your strength
Just to keep holding on

At the speed of love
A radiance that travels
At the speed of love
My heart goes out to you

Love is born with solar flares
From two magnetic poles
It moves towards a higher plane
Where two halves make two wholes

Like a force of nature
Love shines in many forms
One night we are bathed in light
One day carried away in the storms

At the speed of love
A radiance that travels
At the speed of love
My heart goes out to you


At the speed of love
Nothing changes faster
Than the speed of love
My heart goes out to you

We don't have to talk
We don't even have to touch
I can feel your presence
In the silence that we share

Got to keep moving
At the speed of love
Nothing changes faster
Than the speed of love

Got to keep on shining
At the speed of love

At the speed of love
A radiance that travels
At the speed of love
My heart goes out to you

Now, I firmly believe in not being joined at the hip to another person. I don't think anyone doubts that Luis and I love each other deeply, fully, richly. But I am not one to tie him down nor him to me. I prefer that. I don't like smothering people. I don't like having my life fettered by another. It should not be that way. Luis travels and life goes on. I like it when he travels and then returns to me. My mother is lost without Ray (she also wants to be totally dependent on him whereas I will never be totally dependent on another human being unless I absolutely have to be). Alayna hates it when Tom is away. I don't want to be that way.

But I also believe that two halves do make two wholes, not one. We are one couple, one family. But we are still separate individuals. That is key for me. I don't want to be swallowed up into another's personality. I like my identity and I like being part of Luis' world... but not his identity.
I love Luis in a way that I will never love another person. I may turn a saucy eye to other men and feel the attraction, or have my crushes, but I will never love anyone the way that I love Luis, with all my heart and soul, with all that is wholly and uniquely me. He never need worry about that. Even if something happens to him or to us, I will love again, but not the way that I loved him. And not that I won't love another as much as he, but not in the same way as he. Because no one else is Luis. That is what makes my love for him different. Him, not the strength or conviction of it.

A radiance that travels

Friday, 17 November 2006

Don't Stand So Close To Me

Young teacher, the subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy
She wants him so badly
Knows what she wants to be


Inside her there's longing
This girl's an open page
Book marking - she's so close now
This girl is half his age

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Her friends are so jealous
You know how bad girls get
Sometimes it's not so easy
To be the teacher's pet

Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Wet bus stop, she's waiting
His car is warm and dry

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Loose talk in the classroom
To hurt they try and try
Strong words in the staffroom
The accusations fly

It's no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in
That book by Nabokov

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Now this is not too hard to figure out. I don't know any school girl that didn't have a crush on at least one of her teachers, me included. I had (most memorably) a teacher named Mr. Markey. That poor man, he knew I had a crush on him in the worst way. I'm sure in some ways it was quite amusing, but to a 12 or 13-year-old girl this is love. And with it comes the highs and lows and heartbreak of love. I knew he was single. But I knew, somewhere deep down inside, that not only was he not interested in a barely pubescent girl, but he was not going to throw away anything for a completely illicit thing. Maybe I didn't know it in so many words, but I knew it. He was my 7th grade science teacher. Who better for me to have a crush on? He was pretty tough, but I loved his class and all that he had to teach us. I took huge copious notes in his classes. He taught us about blood typing and flowers and how the genetics worked. It was delightful. And he looked like a young Clint Eastwood to me.

It is funny to think of this now. I went to Wallington years later and met Mr. Markey - Mr. John Markey, now that I think of it, at the grade school I went to. He went on to become the principal. How funny. He remembered me. I doubt any of the teachers I had for science would forget me, as I always loved beyond all imagining science. They all thought that maybe I would go on to be in a science-related field. I certainly did. Unfortunately, while I love science, I do not - most emphatically not - love math. I have little liking and no aptitude for it. Ironic that I do payroll, isn't it? And yet, if I did not, how I would have missed the greatest career opportunity of my life.

Thank you, Mr. Markey!

Tea in the Sahara

My sisters and I
Have this wish before we die.
And it may sound strange
As if our minds are deranged.

Please don't ask us why
Beneath the sheltering sky
We have this strange obsession

You have the means in your possession.

We want our tea in the Sahara with you
We want our tea in the Sahara with you

The young man agreed
He would satisfy their need
So they danced for his pleasure
With a joy you could not measure.

They would wait for him here
The same place every year.
Beneath the sheltering sky
Across the desert he would fly.

Tea in the Sahara with you
Tea in the Sahara with you

The sky turned to black-
Would he ever come back?
They would climb a high dune
They would pray to the moon.

But he'd never return,
So the sisters would burn
As their eyes searched the land
With their cups still full of sand.

Tea in the Sahara with you
Tea in the Sahara with you...

This is not a bouncy, happy song, but it is an interesting one. I don't know what exactly Sting was writing about in this one, and so I don't know that I fully understand the lyrics. But it is a deep, stirring song, with hidden meaning. I do like it a lot. Some music hits a person and this is one of those songs.

Thursday, 16 November 2006

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

Though I've tried before to tell her
Of the feelings I have for her in my heart
Every time that I come near her
I just lose my nerve
As I've done from the start

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on

Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met

It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on

I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day
And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way
But my silent fears have gripped me
Long before I reach the phone
Long before my tongue has tripped me
Must I always be alone?

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on

Every little thing
Every little thing
Every little thing
Every little thing
Every little
Every little
Every little
Every little thing she does
Every little thing she does
Every little thing she does
Every little thing she does
Thing she does is magic

Eee oh oh...

Every little thing
Every little thing
Every little thing she does is magic magic magic
Magic magic magic

I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet


Another top favourite! Such a happy, wonderful, cheery, delightful song! The lyrics, like the ones to Shiver, are not that happy, speaking of some angst. But the music itself is extremely happy, bouncy, cheerful! I love happy, cheerful music! The Police wrote some incredible songs in their time. I'm delighted that all three have gone on to have successful careers in music, Sting being the most well-known, of course. But look at what the others have done. Stewart went on to do a lot of movie soundtracks, and very good ones at that! He does excellent pieces for movies and shows.
This is one of those songs that I can bounce around to in the car. A song that brings a huge happy smile to my face and makes me sing at the top of my lungs. Anytime I get out of work and feel worn down (and that happens often enough. I love my job but it is wearying at times. Well, a lot of times. It is just exhausting, bopping around the building and being so busy!), I just listen to this song and the bounce is back in my step and the smile on my face!

Tuesday, 14 November 2006

October

October



And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care



October



And kingdoms rise
And kingdoms fall
But you go on...
and on...



I always loved this song, even before I loved the month of October. I'm envious of my father for having a birthday in October. I have never been crazy about having my birthday in the dead of winter. I don't mind it being in January, I just mind that it is in the winter. If I'd been growing up in Australia or New Zealand, it would have been wonderful to have it in January, as that is the summer for there!



Now that I love October so much, this is just that much more fitting. The leaves, the weather, the perfection of crisp, cool air and electric blue skies and the swirling breezes that bring the brightly painted leaves down to the ground are incredible. The sights, the sounds, the odors all delight the senses. I will always love the colours and brilliance that is the middle month of autumn. The most wonderful time of the year is October, when the leaves haven't really been all stripped from their home trees and the air is full of the delightful odor of what smells like burning leaves!

Monday, 13 November 2006

The Ocean

A picture in grey
Dorian Gray
Just me by the sea

And I felt like a star
I felt the world could go far
If they listened
To what I said

Washes my feet
Washed the feet
Splashes the soul of my shoes

This song is special to me for a number of reasons. I love the ocean greatly, and understand the allure of it. I feel many things when I am walking along the shore and the waves wash my feet and splash the souls of my shoes. (Yes, I do realise that "souls" isn't spelled correctly for the usage, but Bono wrote it that way and not because he can't spell - as far as I know. Another reason why this song is special to me. I may not buy into God the way most people do but I do think that people and animals have souls. Or personality, or karma, or whatever you want to call it.) I love the meaning behind the lyrics, or at least how I'm interpreting them.


Another special song to add to the pantheon of songs I love, and this time it is not a Coldplay tune!

Sunday, 12 November 2006

Xanadu

'To seek the sacred river Alph
To walk the caves of ice
To break my fast on honeydew
And drink the milk of Paradise...

'I had heard the whispered tales of immortality
The deepest mystery
From an ancient book I took a clue
I scaled the frozen mountain tops
of eastern lands unknown
Time and Man alone
Searching for the lost Xanadu

Xanadu...

To stand within the Pleasure Dome
Decreed by Kubla Khan
To taste anew the fruits of life
The last immortal man
To find the sacred river Alph
To walk the caves of ice
Oh, I will dine on honeydew
And drink the milk of Paradise

A thousand years have come and gone
but time has passed me by
Stars stopped in the sky
Frozen in an everlasting view
Waiting for the world to end,
weary of the night
Praying for the light
Prison of the lost
Xanadu

Xanadu...

Held within the Pleasure Dome
Decreed by Kubla Khan
To taste my bitter triumph
As a mad immortal man
Nevermore shall I return
Escape these caves of ice
For I have dined on honeydew
And drunk the milk of Paradise

I've always loved this song, with it's disjointed opening sounds, then the strengthening sound, and then the lyrics - disturbing lyrics. It is not unlike looking for the fountain of youth... at what point do you realise or admit to yourself that this was not quite what you had had in mind... And as with any untamed, undiscovered thing, it is not quite what you were thinking it would be. This is a very good example of this sort of trap...
I think writing this song was a stroke of genius. It is something to think about. People are always looking for the impossible. This song displays that failing in the human race perfectly. Anything that is so out of our realm of having is something that, if you do find it, has an incredibly high price to pay. In this case, a man looking for the Pleasure Dome, Kubla Khan's fabled city. He is not seeking it as Heimmel-what's-his-head was looking for Troy, a historical place that was then considered to be a tale, but rather searching for immortality. I would not want immortality. I would like to not age, and just crap out at a good healthy, normal age like 80, but still feeling and looking young and vital, not elderly and tired or sick. That sounds nice, doesn't it? Immortality, though... not hard to see the price one would have pay for that. The inability to die. To see time turn over and again, and to not be able to go. Man is meant to die at the conclusion of his life. Be it 2 days or 200 years, man is meant to die.
Even if I could have the fantasy of living my span as someone young and vital and not age visibly, what the price be? For you cannot have the impossible without that price. You cannot bargain these things. The cost has to be paid in full. So. Would I be like Dorian Gray, with a painting that would age, and not just age, but age in a hideous and disgusting fashion? Or would the price be that I would not learn and grow as I have with age? I would not like that - to be stuck at the knowledge level I was at age 33 or 34. I am only 4 to 5 years beyond that and I have learned a lot in that time.

For I have dined on honeydew
And drunk the milk of Paradise

Saturday, 11 November 2006

Hell

In the afterlife
You could be headed for the serious strife
Now you make the scene all day
But tomorrowthere'll be Hell to pay

People listen attentively
I mean about future calamity
I used to think the idea was obsolete
Until I heard the old man stamping his feet

This is a place where eternally
Fire is applied to thebody
Teeth are extruded and bones are ground
And baked into cakes which are passed around

In the afterlife
You could be headed for the serious strife
Now you makethe scene all day
But tomorrow there'll be Hell to pay

Beauty, talent, fame, money, refinement, job skill and brains
And all the things you try to hide
Will berevealed on the other side.

In the afterlife
You couldbe headed for the serious strife
Now you make the scene all day
But tomorrow there'll be Hell to pay

Now, the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I-O-N
Lose your face, Lose your name, And getfitted for a suit of flames.

Friday, 10 November 2006

How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I don't know. I do know how to save a life. Sometimes in the easy, throw me the O2 and a cravat and I can take care of this. Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the insanity and just listen to what the patient is saying. Sometimes it is staying with your mother when she is wheezing and may not remain on just an NRM... but will need something far more drastic, like a ventilator.

Sometimes it is as simple is just being there.

Thursday, 9 November 2006

Square One

You're in control,
is there anywhere you wanna go?
You're in control,
is there anything you wanna know?
The future's for discovering
The space in which we're traveling
From the top of the first page
To the end of the last day
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

Under the surface trying to break through
Deciphering the codes in youI need a compass,
draw me a map
I'm on the top,
I can't get back Whoa whoa

The first line on the first page
To the end of the last page

From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are
You just want
Somebody listening to what you say
Oh, you just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

Is there anybody out there whoIs lost and hurt and lonely too
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
and if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

Talk

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you,
cause I don't know what todo
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?

Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done

So you don't know were you're going,
and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all

Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk

Wednesday, 8 November 2006

Clocks

Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have put me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead singing


Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head and a
Trouble that can't be named
Tigers waiting to be tamed


Singing
You are
You are


Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop the tune I know singing

Come out upon my seas,
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singing

You are, you are, you are
You are, you are, you are


And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are
You are


Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go
Home, home where I wanted to go

Tuesday, 7 November 2006

A Rush of Blood to the Head

He said I'm going to buy this place and burn it down.
I'm going to put it six feet underground.
He said I'm going to buy this place and watch it fall.
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls.

Oh I'm going to buy this place and start a fire.
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires.
Because I'm going to buy this place and see it burn.
Do back the things it did to you in return.
Ah, ah. ah

He said Oh I'm going to buy a gun and start a war.
If you can tell me something worth fighting for.
Oh and I'm going to buy this place that's what I said.
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head.

And all the movements you're starting to make.
See me crumble and fall on my face,
and I know the mistakes that I made.
See it all disappear without a trace,
and they call as they beckon you on.
They say start as you mean to go on.
Start as you mean to go on.

He said I'm going to buy this place and see it go.
Stand here beside my baby watch the orange glow.
Some will laugh and some just sit and cry,
but you just sit down there and you wonder why.

So I'm going to buy a gun and start a war.
If you can tell me something worth fighting for,
and I'm gonna buy this place that’s what I said,
blame it upon a rush of blood to the head, oh to the head.

Honey, all the movements you're starting to make.
see me crumble and fall on my face,
and I know the mistakes that I made.
See it all disappear without trace,
and they call as they beckon you on.
They said start as you mean to go on.
As you mean to go on, as you mean to go on


So meet me by the bridge, meet me by the lane.
When am I going to see that pretty face again.
Meet me on the road, meet me where I said
blame it all upon,
A rush of blood to the head

I love this song, not only from the album by the same name, but it is on the Six Feet Under soundtrack. It's the line I'm going to put it six feet underground that does it for them. Fitting song for that show, admittedly. At first I thought that this was a song I wouldn't like. But I appreciate it more. I felt that way about USI. This song perfectly mirrors my feelings of frustration and trepidation about going into my office, seeing what travails would await my day, what kind of bed news would I be forced to dispense to the staff. After a while, I really felt quite bitter about the management and all the wretched things they'd done in an effort to keep the company "alive" or "afloat" - which they weren't. But it was such misery to work there. So I do understand that.

So meet me by the bridge, meet me by the lane.
When am I going to see that pretty face again.
Meet me on the road, meet me where I said
blame it all upon,
A rush of blood to the head

Monday, 6 November 2006

Trouble

Oh no, I see
The spider web is tangled up with me
And I lost my head
And thought of all the stupid things I'd said

Oh no, what's this?
A spider web and I'm caught in the middle
So I turn to run
And thought of all the stupid things I'd done

And I never meant to cause you trouble
I never meant to do you wrong
And ah, well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm

Oh no, I see
The spider web and it's me in the middle
So I twist and turn
But here am I in my little bubble

Singing out I never meant to cause you trouble
I never meant to do you wrong
And ah, well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm

They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me

I never meant to do you harm. I don't usually mean to do anyone harm, but sometimes, unthinkingly, I do. I like the song and how it gets that across. An apology for doing, saying, feeling the wrong thing.

I don't like to hurt people. It means a lot to me to have the people that I have close in my life. And the closer they are, the more I might inadvertantly hurt them or cause them pain. I never do it intentionally. Even when I am angry, that is not my style.

So that reflects my apology to anyone I have hurt.

Sunday, 5 November 2006

Shiver

So I looked in your direction,
But you paid me no attention, do you.
I know you don't listen to me,
'cause you say you see straight me, don't you.

On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Did she want me to change?
But I change for good.
And I want you to know.
But you always get your way,
I wanted to say,

Don't you Shiver?
Shiver, Shiver
I'll always be waiting for you,

So you know how much I need ya,
But you never even see me, do you?
And this is my final chance of getting you.

On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Did she want me to change?
But I change for good.
And I want you to know.
But you always get your way,
I wanted to say,


Sing it loud and clear.
I'll always be waiting for you.

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.
And it's you I see, but you don't see me.
And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.
I sing it loud and clear.
And I'll always be waiting for you.

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you’ve never even seen me.

There is one person I think of with this song. And while it seems like a despairing song, it really isn't to me. I have no idea why. I suppose some of it is that the music is the opposite of the lyrics - upbeat, warm, wonderful, uplifting. The lyrics speak of wanting someone, but I love the part about from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep, I'll be there by your side, just you try and stop me. I love that. It is an amazing sentiment. I know what it is like to want that someone to see me, hear me, understand my feelings about him, but not have it. And yet, it is okay - there will always be someone that you want who doesn't see you. Attraction is a funny thing.
I sing it loud and clear...

Saturday, 4 November 2006

Don't Panic

Oh, we're sinking like stones
All that we fall for
All those places we've grown
All of us are done for

We live in a beautiful world,
Every day, every day,
We live in a beautiful world

Oh, we're sinking like stones
All that we fall for
Homes, places we've grown
All of us are done for

We live in a beautiful world,
Yeah, we do, yeah, we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,
There's nothing here to run from,
And there, everybody here's
Got somebody to lean on.

I love this song. This may have to be a month of song lyrics, as there are so many songs that reflect great things, that I identify with, that mean a lot to me or remind of someone. There will be a lot of U2, Coldplay and Depeche Mode lyrics in there. They are some of my top favourite groups with things to say that are worth listening to. For me...

This is short song, but it says a lot that I agree with. It is a beautiful world. I once, when I first had my blog, wrote a post about living in the world, not on it. Seeing the beauty in the world is living in it. If you live on it, or don't live, don't experience things, how can you see the beauty of it? You cannot. You need to be in the world, part of it. Involved, feeling. Otherwise, it is flat and featureless. Not the world I love and live in.

There are people at work, Kevin, Jason, Jason, Mitch, and many others, that no matter what they come to me for, they bring out a big smile on my face each time I see them after the weekend. These are people that make me feel happy and that I appreciate. Kevin teases me. Jason makes terrible jokes. Jason always has something wonderful to say. Mitch... well, I just have a special spot for him. He makes me laugh and see the weaknesses and the strengths and I need that perspective.

All of us are done for - at some point. But it's OK. I expect to live out as much as I can and then my time will come. But in my time there are people to lean on. People to lean on, depend on, bring me back to the beauty when I do stop seeing it.

We live in a beautiful world!

Thursday, 2 November 2006

Would I See the World Differently...

...as a man?

Ye gods. How does one answer that?

The logical answer is yes. I have to say that undoubtedly there is a big difference in the genders. I know that there is more equality now than ever before, but still, male brains are wired a little differently than womens'. The real difference is that this does not dictate an inequality - it just makes it not the same. The same would be dull. I love to see the gender differences at work. Luis and I are a prime example. All the things that are considered a normal inherency in male mindset and capabilities are there. Luis is great with spacial relationships, offering advice, crunching numbers, looking at the world with almost no emotional interference, etc. All the things I can't do. I may not allow my emotions to colour my workplace decisions, but they are there and usually - much as I try to hide them - evident (to some degree). I have zero spacial relationship understanding, as is evidenced by my manoeuvering to get the car in and out of the garage or the rig into a space. Forget numbers - I want nothing to do with them. And when people are upset, I offer sympathy first, not solutions. When Luis communicates, he does so like most men - no rich details, no embellishing or describing things. Dialogue with Luis is often like this:

Me: "Hi, honey!"

Luis: "Hello."

Me: "How was your day?"

Luis: "Fine."

Me: "Anything interesting at work happen?"

Luis: "No."

You'll notice that it is not unlike talking to your teenager:

You: "Hi, honey. How was school?"

Teenager: "Fine." (Sometimes you'll only get a grunt.)

You: "Anything interesting happen?"

Teenager: "Nope."

You: "Learn anything interesting [or new]?"

Teenager: Shrugs in your general direction

You: "Are you going somewhere?"

Teenager: "Uh-huh."

You: "Where are you going?"

Teenager: "Nowhere."

Oh, yes, what parent has managed to maintain a ten minute monosyllabic conversation? If you want to communicate with your reticent, uncommunicative teenager, this is what is done. Well, while Luis isn't going through a phase or being difficult, he is much like that. He has also very quickly learned not to ask me those same questions that earn me all those monosyllabic answers. You might wonder why (unless you know me and then there is no mystery...).

Luis: "Hi, honey. How was your day?"

Me: "It was really amazing! At work..." Fifteen minutes later I've managed to get to lunch time. He is staring at the television wondering what the hell possessed him to ask one little innocuous question. I'm oblivious and still out of the gate like a racehorse. Every little detail and nuance and every side of any relayed conversation is in there (what? You still haven't figured out that I am all about the detail?!). Luis is trying to be nonplussed, hoping I will stop yakking. This does not happen too often any more. What NOT to do... lessons learned by the opposite sex.

I guess that answers my question, doesn't it?