When I screw up, I really screw up big. I can't really talk about it, but I screwed up and I need to fix it - and I am not confident at this point that I can. I am not going to find that confidence any time too soon. It isn't hiding under my desk with the answer to why I screwed up, and on such an enormous scale. I have three aspects to my job and two of them seem to be problem areas for me. What a track record that is.
The musing that I do is that I don't understand why people drink alcohol when they are upset or something is wrong. I am a tiny bit drunk (I don't feel drunk, but I had some miniscule amount of vodka in my juice (at first I filled the gass not quite half way. We are talking about a six ounce glass, not a dinner glass. I mixed it with Fresca. YOWZA. WAY, way, way too strong! I dumped about half of that out and put juice in there with it. That was a little better, but it still needed less, so I dumped more out. By that time, we are looking at maybe an ounce of vodka and the rest was juice and some soda.
Vile. Absolutely disgusting. Maybe I should say Abolut disgusting.
And I don't feel any better about this. Not even a little bit better. I feel a bit weird, but just faintly buzzed, I guess is the right phrase.
So why do so many people start drinking to feel better? What is the point of drinking? Why do so many people drink alcohol to forget or ameliorate their problems? I suppose it might be one thing to drink until you are feeling obviously drunk. I am impaired. I know I am. I feel fine, but I know that with this much alcohol (don't laugh, I had a lot for me!), I logically have to be impaired in some way. The idea of getting bombed and so impaired that I'm getting sick or blacking out or have a hangover (something I have never experienced and why in the name of anything would I want to?!) doesn't sound appealing. How can it? I have been on calls with people in all sorts of phases of drunkeness or the aftermath - what looks fun about any of that?
So. I am miserably unhappy and I am impaired. What a world. I clearly did not learn anything too staggering about the human condition that was worthwhile. Another failed experiment. Or I just don't get it.