Unanswered Questions: Things to Ponder
The questions where in a humourous e-mail that was sent to me (or printed out for me) by my parents. I took it one step farther and decided to answer them, as some, while funny, need that answer. Or I just felt like cogitating out loud about it... take your pick!
Q: How important does a person have to be before s/he is considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
A: Good question, although I believe that the English language (if used properly) answers this question. Murder can be anything from “oops, look what happened” (manslaughter, by legal definition) to “I planned this for 20 years” (pre-meditated murder), where as assassination is someone else either killing one for a specific purpose (usually political gain) or hiring one to kill someone else for a specific purpose. I didn’t look in a dictionary for this… it’s just proper understanding of words. This is why people get into arguments for no really good reason – gross misunderstanding or misuse of words.
Q: If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
A: More word-bending. Money certainly doesn’t grow on trees, and yet it seems as though someone is always dangling a branch full of it (take that anyway you like…) for one to pluck. This is in the form of loans, promissory notes, quick-fix schemes, money laundering, pyramid schemes, take your pick. So maybe there is something to be said for the whole “tree/money” metaphor…
Q: Since most bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
A: I’m guessing that shape is up to the company manufacturing the different items. This is an interesting and humourous question, but really not something that occupies my mind… too often, anyway.
Q: Once you’re in heaven, are you stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
A: Worse yet, will you arrive a bit charcoaled if you were cremated? I don’t pretend to know the answer to this – especially since this would require a HUGE philosophical debate over the existence of heaven, nirvana, Valhalla… take your pick. But I will tell you it would really suck to be a man and buried in a suit on the top only if the above question is the case… (I don't think the entire body is clothed when they are viewed and then buried - I think only the upper half is clothed. I may be wrong, but when you think about it, why bother?)
Q: Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
A: More poor planning…
Q: How come we choose from two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
A: I actually have to agree with this. The pickings for President are quite paltry – let’s face it, who would vote for George W. Bush if someone with half of a brain, some lingual skill, and an opinion had run against him? Unfortunately, while I can’t help but think that the last candidate (whose name escapes me, as I have so little caring for politicians – oh, wait, yes, Kerry!) would have been better, he wasn’t able to unwedge the fence from his butt. Not my top choice, either… But look what we have running the country now. The moron of the Western world.
On the other hand, you have one representative for each state in a contest that is cut-throat, petty and stressing all the wrong values. Miss America is probably one of the most vacuous roles in the world, and it is run by yet more stiff, religiously zealous bigoted people. Just what we need… like the Boy Scouts. Any time stiff bigoted people run things, it cannot bode well for society. But I wouldn’t vote for any of these women to run the country, either… not to say that they are not better qualified. (Again, I refer you to the present incumbent…)
Q: When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
A: In my case, the answer is yes. I smile at everyone. I can’t help it. And especially the poor guy (or woman) pulling me over – this person has no idea what sort of person I am. A smile is friendly, shows good intent and is often disarming. Not that it elicits a smile from the officer, though. They must have very specific training that instructs them to never smile. Even the Connecticut officer who pulled me over did not crack even the slightest smile after I thanked him all over the place for giving me a $37 ticket for my seat belt not being worn instead of the $320 ticket I so richly deserved for zipping along at 84mph on (ironically) Route 84.
My problem is when the DMV representative instructs me to smile three hours and $24.00 later to get my bloody license!
Q: Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
A: Clearly someone has entirely too much time on his or her hands to think of this. Then again, it is one of the better things about humanity to see these little gems, little pearls of… witticism! So… the real answer is that I highly doubt a dead body counts as a passenger in that sense. I suppose if you prop it up in the front seat, you might manage it… but yuck. I have heard of people putting mannequins in the car to appear as a passenger to allow the owner to use the HOV lanes. Amazing what people will do to get away with something…
Q: If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
A: Good question, although I believe that the English language (if used properly) answers this question. Murder can be anything from “oops, look what happened” (manslaughter, by legal definition) to “I planned this for 20 years” (pre-meditated murder), where as assassination is someone else either killing one for a specific purpose (usually political gain) or hiring one to kill someone else for a specific purpose. I didn’t look in a dictionary for this… it’s just proper understanding of words. This is why people get into arguments for no really good reason – gross misunderstanding or misuse of words.
Q: If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
A: More word-bending. Money certainly doesn’t grow on trees, and yet it seems as though someone is always dangling a branch full of it (take that anyway you like…) for one to pluck. This is in the form of loans, promissory notes, quick-fix schemes, money laundering, pyramid schemes, take your pick. So maybe there is something to be said for the whole “tree/money” metaphor…
Q: Since most bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
A: I’m guessing that shape is up to the company manufacturing the different items. This is an interesting and humourous question, but really not something that occupies my mind… too often, anyway.
Q: Once you’re in heaven, are you stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
A: Worse yet, will you arrive a bit charcoaled if you were cremated? I don’t pretend to know the answer to this – especially since this would require a HUGE philosophical debate over the existence of heaven, nirvana, Valhalla… take your pick. But I will tell you it would really suck to be a man and buried in a suit on the top only if the above question is the case… (I don't think the entire body is clothed when they are viewed and then buried - I think only the upper half is clothed. I may be wrong, but when you think about it, why bother?)
Q: Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
A: More poor planning…
Q: How come we choose from two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
A: I actually have to agree with this. The pickings for President are quite paltry – let’s face it, who would vote for George W. Bush if someone with half of a brain, some lingual skill, and an opinion had run against him? Unfortunately, while I can’t help but think that the last candidate (whose name escapes me, as I have so little caring for politicians – oh, wait, yes, Kerry!) would have been better, he wasn’t able to unwedge the fence from his butt. Not my top choice, either… But look what we have running the country now. The moron of the Western world.
On the other hand, you have one representative for each state in a contest that is cut-throat, petty and stressing all the wrong values. Miss America is probably one of the most vacuous roles in the world, and it is run by yet more stiff, religiously zealous bigoted people. Just what we need… like the Boy Scouts. Any time stiff bigoted people run things, it cannot bode well for society. But I wouldn’t vote for any of these women to run the country, either… not to say that they are not better qualified. (Again, I refer you to the present incumbent…)
Q: When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
A: In my case, the answer is yes. I smile at everyone. I can’t help it. And especially the poor guy (or woman) pulling me over – this person has no idea what sort of person I am. A smile is friendly, shows good intent and is often disarming. Not that it elicits a smile from the officer, though. They must have very specific training that instructs them to never smile. Even the Connecticut officer who pulled me over did not crack even the slightest smile after I thanked him all over the place for giving me a $37 ticket for my seat belt not being worn instead of the $320 ticket I so richly deserved for zipping along at 84mph on (ironically) Route 84.
My problem is when the DMV representative instructs me to smile three hours and $24.00 later to get my bloody license!
Q: Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
A: Clearly someone has entirely too much time on his or her hands to think of this. Then again, it is one of the better things about humanity to see these little gems, little pearls of… witticism! So… the real answer is that I highly doubt a dead body counts as a passenger in that sense. I suppose if you prop it up in the front seat, you might manage it… but yuck. I have heard of people putting mannequins in the car to appear as a passenger to allow the owner to use the HOV lanes. Amazing what people will do to get away with something…
Q: If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Let’s not even go there…
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