Many E-Mail Thanks!

I just howled when I read this. Thanks to TigerTrax for sending this to me as it was priceless. It might not have meant much if I weren't inundated with the same e-mails warning me about the rapists and robbers, and the phone calls to Uganda as well as the countless e-mails telling me that my life will be nothing but an endless parade of bad luck if I don't immediately send it out to the 144,216 friends in the next seven minutes...

To THOSE Who Have Barraged Me With Those Countless Informative E-mail's, Thought I Would Show MyAppreciation With ..........A BIG THANKS!!

To Whoever Sent Me the One about Rat Poop in the Glueon Envelopes because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel with Every Envelope That Needs Sealing.

Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top of Every Can I open For the Same Reason.

I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill Gates/Microsoft And AOL Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail Program.

I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.

I no longer clean my floors with Swiffer wipes because they will kill my animals and small children.

I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers As Soon As I Get My Free Dinner Coupons From Applebee's, I Can Eat Again.

I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.

Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five Minutes.

Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can Remove Toilet Stains.

I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.

I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans.

I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer.

And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup of Water In The Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face, Disfiguring Me For Life.

I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be Pricked With A Needle Infected With AIDS.

I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a Perfume Sample And Rob Me.

I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or FedEx Since They Are Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise.

I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With Calls To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan.

I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive My Free Replacement Pair From Nike.

I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have Their Recipe.

And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped In The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.

Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either! I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies!

Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death When It Bites My A#%.

And Remember, If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump. I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's Beautician...

Thank you, and Have A Wonderful New Year!