Substance Over Size

You may have noticed that I am blogging far less than normal. And you would be right. But someone had asked me what was up with all the questionnaires and memes and I realised that somewhere in that haze of mad posting frenzy, I'd left all the substance behind that makes me a good, meaningful writer and cashed in for number of postings on a site that probably few read.

Substance. Isn't that what makes life rich and meaningful?

I suppose that the unbelievable amount of people out there who only have style and no substance (and it is disappointing how many do fit in to that catergory) would argue that they do have depth and meaning. Somehow, someone who is totally focused on their appearance and doesn't read or write or wander outside of their own town doesn't seem to have a lot in the way of substance. On the other hand, without tons of plastic surgery and a boatload of improvements made to my appearance, I won't be accused of this anytime soon. I'd like to be beatiful but not vain and wrapped up in my looks.

Well, my blog needs to reflect that there is a brain in here, and not just the faddish memes and questionnaires. And while I do still say that they have a purpose (anything that makes you think and especially quesiton that which a moment before you knew to be absolute truth is good), they cannot be the length, depth and breadth of this. And they are not of me. I look smiley and dopey and flakey, but I'm deeper than that by far.

While I was on vacation, I realised that avoiding my mother and not dealing with this whole multiple-stroke-word-salad-stuck-in-bed thing is not helping me. It certainly wasn't helping her and Ray was opening showing disappointment in me (for Ray to say anything means he is really, really feeling it - that is a passive trait). So when we went on Friday of last week, he had stepped out at one point to locate some more skim milk for Ma and I told her how I felt.

I told her that I know I haven't been there very much and that I felt badly about it. I explained that this is not something I am good at dealing with and that this has nothing to do with her or that I don't love her; it's me and it is my baggage. You could see that she understood what I was saying and she was really good about it - she didn't say anything, but the look in her eyes said it all. She's my mother and I love her. She knows that and I am making sure to call Ray and have him say it. I did say that I still would really only be able to get there on weekends - work is a time soaker but the muscular dystrophy is making it more and more difficult to summon up the energy to so anything after a full day of the normal insanity that is Human Resources.

She has it, too, so she - of anyone - knows the more dibilitating side of this. I try not to show it work, I try not to allow it to be visible; but I know I am slowly getting worse. I see it more and I wonder what other people see.

I'm not sure I want to know.

Getting back to work after ten days out has been both exhausting and a little overwhelming, but good, too. It is where I am meant to be and I still love my job. It find that I am more motivated than ever in some ways but right now I am feeling the faster pace of autumn and the layoff season that we are careening wrecklessly toward. Well, that is not right - there is nothing "wreckless" about what we do or how we do it, as layoffs are a normal and known part of the industry - but it is moving along so quickly! I'd been looking forward to it but suddenly I am feeling weighed down by it.

It won't last.

As with spring, it is a sudden burst of energy and then quiet and empty abound... a strange phenomina that always shocks me in that in the corporate world, layoffs are this horrible, unbelievable life-altering nightmare and here, it is a welcome respite for many. Worked to insanity during the season and putting in far more than the normal fulltime hours of any corporate employee, this is the vacation of a lifetime, and everyone has sudden short-timer's disease. The rest so sorely needed but not there from April through most of October has arrived and not a moment too soon. Many employees work six days and the biggest department (which swells from a dozen or so people to over 70 in season) work seven days a week. The weekends are only four hours per day, but there is no way that working every day for seven months isn't completely taxing and totally enervating by the time autumn arrives.

Let the rest begin!

It will begin soon, although not for the front departments, who see a marked increase in late November and December. The two week shutdown period is their opportunity to let it all go.

None-the-less, it is coming sooner rather than later. And so my workload gets nuts again this time, as it does in March through May, until we are fully staffed and ready for the return of warm weather and 65-hour workweeks.

Back to substance... although to me this has been very substantial. And more than a little satisfying. I'm too lazy to boot up my laptop so I am logged into my husband's computer and the moment I hear that garage door open, I have to make a hasty exit. He'll want to torture himself by checking the continuing plunge of the stock market... I know my 401(k) looks awful, so I won't do that to myself. I just blindly hold on to "what comes down must go up"!

And with that, dear reader, I leave you to your musings!