What Makes Men Fall in Love?
This is an interesting article...
Judging from the kind of mail we get at Men's Health from men seeking relationship advice, I can tell you this definitively about men: When a man falls for a woman, he falls hard. Men love to be in love. While men often get stereotyped as single-minded sex-seekers, the truth is that a man's stomach churns like a slushy machine when he's in those initial stages of the perfect relationship.
When you consider that half of men say that they're currently not with their soul mates, that means a heck of a lot of slushy machines are waiting to be turned on. What are they waiting for? What makes a man fall in love? After you rule out the obvious intangible laws of chemistry, attraction, and being in the right place at the right time that kick-start many a relationship, I think the question really becomes this: What makes a man fall -- and stay -- in love? About 60 percent of men deem friendship the most important thing in a relationship (sex comes in at a skimpy 8 percent, according to a national Harris Interactive poll), but let's delve a little deeper. What exactly does that mean, and what kind of woman does a man really want? With full acknowledgement that men's tastes in women are as unpredictable as the plotline of "24," these are some of things that many men value in "the one."
A Woman with a Passion in Something Other Than Him
Yes, it's nice to be doted over. Yes, it's nice to be pampered. Yes, it's nice to be with a woman who showers you with compliments, neck kisses, and all of her attention. But there's a virtual Great Wall of China between a fleeting, flirtatious glance and the kind of attraction that can last a lifetime. Many men say they like a woman who's immersed in something else other than the relationship -- be it her work, or her sport, or whatever her "thing" is. Why? The passion she shows for something else confirms her inherent goodness, her personal drive, her independence. All pluses in the woman we're hoping to spend a few decades with.
A Woman with No Problem with Guy Time
Every relationship has to choreograph the time-together dance. Once a couple elevates from casual to serious, it goes through that period when most waking and sleeping minutes are spent together. But at some point in the dance, one person will call a time out from the music of coupledom, and try to spend more time with his or her friends -- while still being careful not to step on any feet in the process. Even when they're with the most perfect woman, men still crave the occasional space to spend golfing or drinking or doing whatever (64 percent of men are happy to have the time to themselves when their wives or girlfriends have plans). Men love, appreciate, and are thankful for women who respect and endorse (and not complain about) his need to have a few testosterone mixers. Don't worry, March Madness will be over in just a few weeks!
A Woman with a Strut
Her strut in the bar may have been part of his initial attraction. The strut from the bedroom to the bathroom after the first night together may have been pure visual ecstasy. But the strut that happens day in and day out is one of the major attractors for a man. What do I mean by the strut? It's that attitude, that sassiness, that confidence, that charisma, that charm that shows she can be a little bold and little daring. In a recent post I talked about the line between a woman being confident and a woman being so aggressive that she turns men away, but the truth is that in certain aspects of relationships, men want women who have the strut. Men want to be with women who challenge them, who push them, and who take the lead some of the times. And that's as true in the bedroom as it is in planning their next weekend getaway. The danger? While it can be insanely attractive, that strut of confidence can also swing a man 180 degrees -- if she uses it in other places, like to flirt with other guys, to become a relationship dictator, or to pick a fight with his mom in front of the whole family. He'll point that kind of strut right out the door.
A Woman with a Good Taste in Ties
Okay, so we don't really care about the ties per se. But what we care about is a woman's ability to give us a little-and this is a key word-gentle guidance. I know Freudian followers will say that it's a man's need to be mothered, but it's more than that. Every relationship is a give and take, and guys will definitely take women who can warn us when our new soul patch looks stupid, who can guide us to the perfect suit and shirt combo for an upcoming job interview, who can help them make decisions without being harsh or judgmental. Guys like to project that they know what they're doing and that they don't need any help. Women who can help steer us, without aggressively grabbing the wheel, are the most treasured copilots.
Have your own ideas about what makes us fall -- and fall hard?
I must be the perfect woman, then! My response:
Hello, David,
I read your article and I loved it. It seems that you have hit the nail entirely on the head. I have been with my husband for 17 years (tomorrow) and I find that I have all four items in my favour. I have great passion for my work (HR Manager), my volunteer work (EMT), my hobbies (writing and reading) and for living as a whole. I think he likes that.
I definitely allow Luis "guy-time" or more importantly, "Luis-time" - and his time is exactly that, whether it is watching the telly, sitting at his computer gaming, working, or going to the go-go bar.
I don't know if I strut, per se, but I walk with confidence. I had never thought of this as an important factor, but it sounds good!
I suppose my taste is fine, and I give him guidance when asked (or if he puts on something truly eggregious, which I am happy to say does not happen often). He seems to appreciate it.
I think, though, that there are two more major components that should be touched upon. Two biggies that are committed all the time by women even more than men and really are the pitfalls of relationships. (Aside from communicating and the difference between men and women there.)
1. (5.) I'm not his mother. It is not my place to tell him what he can and cannot do, what he should and should not do. In no way have I earned the right to dictate to him what is allowed and what is not. Understanding that certain actions may have less-than-desireable results is one thing; telling a grown man aged 41 that he is not PERMITTED to do something or go somewhere is quite another. He is his own free person.
Judging from the kind of mail we get at Men's Health from men seeking relationship advice, I can tell you this definitively about men: When a man falls for a woman, he falls hard. Men love to be in love. While men often get stereotyped as single-minded sex-seekers, the truth is that a man's stomach churns like a slushy machine when he's in those initial stages of the perfect relationship.
When you consider that half of men say that they're currently not with their soul mates, that means a heck of a lot of slushy machines are waiting to be turned on. What are they waiting for? What makes a man fall in love? After you rule out the obvious intangible laws of chemistry, attraction, and being in the right place at the right time that kick-start many a relationship, I think the question really becomes this: What makes a man fall -- and stay -- in love? About 60 percent of men deem friendship the most important thing in a relationship (sex comes in at a skimpy 8 percent, according to a national Harris Interactive poll), but let's delve a little deeper. What exactly does that mean, and what kind of woman does a man really want? With full acknowledgement that men's tastes in women are as unpredictable as the plotline of "24," these are some of things that many men value in "the one."
A Woman with a Passion in Something Other Than Him
Yes, it's nice to be doted over. Yes, it's nice to be pampered. Yes, it's nice to be with a woman who showers you with compliments, neck kisses, and all of her attention. But there's a virtual Great Wall of China between a fleeting, flirtatious glance and the kind of attraction that can last a lifetime. Many men say they like a woman who's immersed in something else other than the relationship -- be it her work, or her sport, or whatever her "thing" is. Why? The passion she shows for something else confirms her inherent goodness, her personal drive, her independence. All pluses in the woman we're hoping to spend a few decades with.
A Woman with No Problem with Guy Time
Every relationship has to choreograph the time-together dance. Once a couple elevates from casual to serious, it goes through that period when most waking and sleeping minutes are spent together. But at some point in the dance, one person will call a time out from the music of coupledom, and try to spend more time with his or her friends -- while still being careful not to step on any feet in the process. Even when they're with the most perfect woman, men still crave the occasional space to spend golfing or drinking or doing whatever (64 percent of men are happy to have the time to themselves when their wives or girlfriends have plans). Men love, appreciate, and are thankful for women who respect and endorse (and not complain about) his need to have a few testosterone mixers. Don't worry, March Madness will be over in just a few weeks!
A Woman with a Strut
Her strut in the bar may have been part of his initial attraction. The strut from the bedroom to the bathroom after the first night together may have been pure visual ecstasy. But the strut that happens day in and day out is one of the major attractors for a man. What do I mean by the strut? It's that attitude, that sassiness, that confidence, that charisma, that charm that shows she can be a little bold and little daring. In a recent post I talked about the line between a woman being confident and a woman being so aggressive that she turns men away, but the truth is that in certain aspects of relationships, men want women who have the strut. Men want to be with women who challenge them, who push them, and who take the lead some of the times. And that's as true in the bedroom as it is in planning their next weekend getaway. The danger? While it can be insanely attractive, that strut of confidence can also swing a man 180 degrees -- if she uses it in other places, like to flirt with other guys, to become a relationship dictator, or to pick a fight with his mom in front of the whole family. He'll point that kind of strut right out the door.
A Woman with a Good Taste in Ties
Okay, so we don't really care about the ties per se. But what we care about is a woman's ability to give us a little-and this is a key word-gentle guidance. I know Freudian followers will say that it's a man's need to be mothered, but it's more than that. Every relationship is a give and take, and guys will definitely take women who can warn us when our new soul patch looks stupid, who can guide us to the perfect suit and shirt combo for an upcoming job interview, who can help them make decisions without being harsh or judgmental. Guys like to project that they know what they're doing and that they don't need any help. Women who can help steer us, without aggressively grabbing the wheel, are the most treasured copilots.
Have your own ideas about what makes us fall -- and fall hard?
I must be the perfect woman, then! My response:
Hello, David,
I read your article and I loved it. It seems that you have hit the nail entirely on the head. I have been with my husband for 17 years (tomorrow) and I find that I have all four items in my favour. I have great passion for my work (HR Manager), my volunteer work (EMT), my hobbies (writing and reading) and for living as a whole. I think he likes that.
I definitely allow Luis "guy-time" or more importantly, "Luis-time" - and his time is exactly that, whether it is watching the telly, sitting at his computer gaming, working, or going to the go-go bar.
I don't know if I strut, per se, but I walk with confidence. I had never thought of this as an important factor, but it sounds good!
I suppose my taste is fine, and I give him guidance when asked (or if he puts on something truly eggregious, which I am happy to say does not happen often). He seems to appreciate it.
I think, though, that there are two more major components that should be touched upon. Two biggies that are committed all the time by women even more than men and really are the pitfalls of relationships. (Aside from communicating and the difference between men and women there.)
1. (5.) I'm not his mother. It is not my place to tell him what he can and cannot do, what he should and should not do. In no way have I earned the right to dictate to him what is allowed and what is not. Understanding that certain actions may have less-than-desireable results is one thing; telling a grown man aged 41 that he is not PERMITTED to do something or go somewhere is quite another. He is his own free person.
The corollary to this is to cast out any feelings of jealousy - the only person who will be miserable is you. And it won't make him feel good or trusted.
2. (6.) Trying to change your mate. Luis is wonderful and I am crazy about him. He does have a few things that are not ideal and it would be nice if he suddenly woke up a different person but with all of the qualities I DO like. That, however, is unrealistic.
No one makes it 17 years without some concessions, but when I encounter couples very often the same push-pull dynamics are visible: she wants to change this or that about the man, and he is digging his heels in.
2. (6.) Trying to change your mate. Luis is wonderful and I am crazy about him. He does have a few things that are not ideal and it would be nice if he suddenly woke up a different person but with all of the qualities I DO like. That, however, is unrealistic.
No one makes it 17 years without some concessions, but when I encounter couples very often the same push-pull dynamics are visible: she wants to change this or that about the man, and he is digging his heels in.
Luis is a slob. He is totally unaware of leaving his clothing in the sunroom, unnoticing of leaving dirty dishes around, unmindful of the fact that his desk at home (and at work) is unmanageable and invisible under the many things that end up roosting there.
He snored - in decibel levels that was higher than merely embarrassing.
He is cheap (not frugal, just cheap). Granted, he is cheap in funny ways, not just straight across the board.
He is clueless around the house.
Of these four items, the first four that popped into my head, I have made the following discoveries:
He snored - in decibel levels that was higher than merely embarrassing.
He is cheap (not frugal, just cheap). Granted, he is cheap in funny ways, not just straight across the board.
He is clueless around the house.
Of these four items, the first four that popped into my head, I have made the following discoveries:
He will pay for cleaning people to come to the house every other week - as long as I am also working. If I am unemployed, I'm stuck with it. So he tells me right after the cleaning people have come, "Haven't I done a great job?"
The snoring had to change - it was directly affecting my ability to work. This was a long hard ugly road and years of trouble (aggragate time spent being upset and tired). Eventually, though, his health actually triggered the change - which underscores how unsuccessfully one can change another person!
The snoring had to change - it was directly affecting my ability to work. This was a long hard ugly road and years of trouble (aggragate time spent being upset and tired). Eventually, though, his health actually triggered the change - which underscores how unsuccessfully one can change another person!
I don't care that his desk is buried so long as I can find MINE!
Being cheap is weird so we keep our money COMPLETELY separate. Mine is mine to piss away as I want (provided I meet my monetary requirements first) and his money is his to hoard. It's not mine.
Concessions do happen. If I really hated these things THAT much, I'd not want to be with Luis. I do, so I live with and accept those things about him!
And I am completely crazy about him!
Pretty good, huh?
Being cheap is weird so we keep our money COMPLETELY separate. Mine is mine to piss away as I want (provided I meet my monetary requirements first) and his money is his to hoard. It's not mine.
Concessions do happen. If I really hated these things THAT much, I'd not want to be with Luis. I do, so I live with and accept those things about him!
And I am completely crazy about him!
Pretty good, huh?
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