Ten Signs a Book Has Been Written By Me:

This is kind of a strange thing... I've never put together something quite like this!

1. It starts out normal but continues on and on. I'm thinking it will be a trilogy comprised of five books (think David Eddings)

2. The title has to be something witty, like Lumps in the Sugar

3. The mian character is me, but will have a different name and not only by intelligent but not so ADD and physically stunning; dark hair, hybrid but deep eyes, a face that can support tons of thick curly hair like Julia Roberts' in Pretty Woman, and a killer body!

4. The pages are uneven parchment with old style font numbers

5. The font has to be Garamond. Or maybe Old Bookman

6. It will come out on tape with the voice of James Earl Jones or maybe the guy on Boston Legal who plays - oh, yes, James Spader

7. The cover jacket will have the stunning me in a Renassaince Festival outfit

8. The extreme religious right will burn it, but that's okay, it will be the number one best seller so they can't buy 'em all! Anyone too stupid will want to kill me and I will have to live in Ireland in secrecy to avoid the insulted parties trying to kill me - but I won't have to pay taxes and I will get to hang out with Bono

9. When it's made into a high-budget movie, Janeane Garafolo will play the role of my written persona; The title song will be Spring by Rammstein - oh, and will have to be a ten hour epic four part or more film because of all the music that has to be in it to satisfy me!

10. My husband will be played by Antonio Banderas (yowza)

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