What is it With Chain E-Mails?!

I always hated chain letters. When I was a kid, my cousin Renée and I would write letters to each other and she would send me chain letters. This was before the advent (and easy access) of photocopiers and my parents did not own a mimeograph (look it up, young people). I did do it once and then suddenly had an epiphany - no one cares, and the dire threats in the chain letter of whatever pestilence will strike one dead if all is not done never occurred. Nor did $10,000 magically appear at the door in small, non-sequential unmarked bills (not that the average 12-year-old really needs or would know what to do with $10,000).

Once is hopefully all it takes for me to learn most lessons. This was one such example.

I never got sucked into that again, and upon receiving the next one, I happily burned it in effigy and told my belovèd cousin that under no circumstances was she to send me these odious things any more.

Now, in the "enlightened and modern" age that we live in, no one receives chain letters. No, a much more odious, heinous, evil creature is now shipped from half the world away to one's Inbox in the blink of an eye - the horror-inspiring and oft-dreaded chain e-mail! And no matter how much I tell anyone that they are not to send me these egregious things, they all do. I have the devil's own time beating people out of this habit - I even give an option - one is permitted to send me these evil things so long as they edit out the portion that instructs one to gain love or threatens one to lose something ludicrous or asks that one contorts oneself into a knot and must send this thing along to 100 other hapless individuals who hopefully view these as the waste of time I do... then I will accept it. Otherwise - no more!

Is this enlightenment? No, rather this is proof that our walking upright and having/using opposable thumbs is a freakish fluke accident. It is amazing that we can walk and chew bubble gum simultaneously.

And so, awaiting me in my Inbox a couple of days ago was this bit of hideousness... My personal comments are added in red, following the foolishness included:

Lotus Touts: You have 6 minutes

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious. A few of them, yes. There is a lot of garbage in here, too.

It has been sent around the world ten times so far. Do not keep this message. The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. People need to work to get and keep respect and those who have lost won't get it and not cheerfully. People need to be recognised on their own merits.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. I do agree with that. Sex is not enough.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. Did you know that you cannot regain sleep once you have lost it?

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it. Yes.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. Again, yes.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. Try two years and by the gods, live together first!

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. It's usually lust, but yes.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much. True. Keep some private and for just you.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. I will never ague that.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. Sometimes the value of a good name-calling cannot be denied...

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. Gads, I hope not. Yeesh...

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. I can't do that. It just doesn't work that way.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" No. Wrong. Look them in the eye, and tell that nosey individual that you are disinclined to acquiese to his or her request at this time.

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. I never say that. I say "gesundheit" or however it is spelled. I'm not religious that way.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. Especially good advice for job seekers!

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone. I do and value it greatly.

Now, here's the FUN part! Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve. Is this your idea of fun? It isn't mine!

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. The first three were merely stupid but this one is ludicrous and remains so. Do you really buy that for a moment? Don't lie! You want to say to me that absolutely you do not believe any of this but you did send this odious thing out to at least 14 people in an effort to get the million dollars/pounds sterling, crowns, or whatever form of money is dearest to your heart or to get that perfect man (is that possible? No more than a perfect woman!), or to buy that house or car or dress or have that fairie tale wedding... Oh, stupid, stupid - you make your own luck.

I will or will not get the permanent position I want - predicated on what the current person in that position decides to do and trust me, this individual's decision will have nothing to do with this.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. A true friend won't send these things to his/her friends. Or they would at least edit this part out.

Do not keep this message - not to worry - you could not pay me enough to do so.

Oh, did I mention that I got this message on Friday? Oops... [I'd like to add that shortly after this message came and I posted it here, I got the wonderful news that I have gotten - permanently - the position that I have been temping in for months and that my start date would be 13 March. Hmmm. Seems to me like ignoring chain mail as I do, wonderful things will come my way!]