An Event

Last night I went to a party. A dinner party - not a wedding-type thing or a casual get together, but a dinner in a wine cellar. It was a unique event, in the setting. I've never been in a wine cellar, much less dined in one.

I made a very important discovery - well, several, I guess. It was mostly stuff I knew about myself, but now I know more why and that is as important as how or the what.

I like casual get-togethers, and someone there said that this is casual dining. I hadn't thought of that. To me, eating out in any restaurant that is more than take-out is "fine dining" (yes, that likely makes me the cheapest date in the world). And to me, fine dining is an uncomfortable situation. I never feel comfortable or at-ease in these situations. And this is not one of those uncomfortable things that makes me talk non-stop - in fact, it has the opposite effect - I clam up.

So last night there was a lot of commentary that I was very quiet. Which is fine - it is certainly unusual enough that it is an observation that is completely correct and so I don't see it as anything other than that (I'm often over-sensitive to my peers' comments). But then there was the drinking.

I don't drink.

Everyone has some theory that I don't drink because of the line of work I'm in but that actually is a tertiary consideration for me. I never was a drinker. In my family, there are two types of people: alcholics and teetotalers. This is a recent revelati0n for me... I never really thought about it until this Christmas. And it was never a conscious decision; it is just who I am. I don't drink. And do you know why I don't drink?

I hate the taste.

That's it! That is the whole thing! All alcohol tastes bitter and to me, bitter is the taste bud that is wasted on me. I don't like any bitter foods, including but not limited to spinach, dark chocolate, other greens... I just don't have any liking for it. I don't view this as a bad thing. How many people have I seen go down that road of alcholism? Too many.

So then there is the whole party thing. I go to the Christmas party and I let my hair down a lot - I have a great time dancing, eating, I'm relaxed... so what happened last night? Well, everyone else was drinking and having a great time and becoming very relaxed in that different kind of way and of course, I wasn't. The more drinking others did, the more reserved and quiet I was. By the end of the night, I was smiling and nodding and wanting to escape - I love all of these people and I love them for themselves. And people are not usually themselves when they drink.

I don't understand that at all. On the rare occasion I drank, nothing happened. If I am angry, I express it. If I am happy (my normal mood), I express it. Sad, pensive, upset, ecstatic, furious - no one has any trouble figuring out what I'm feeling. For someone like me, there is little appeal in drinking alcohol because there are no hidden emotions. I was openly shocked at some of the things that came out last night - not because I didn't know the dynamics of the group (I know the dynamics all too well), but beacuse no one would ever say those things in the normal day-to-day settings. And then to hear them... I wouldn't have said anything like that to someone. (Hard to believe, but it is true.)

The other issue for me is that because I am a nondrinker (and an EMT, who deals all too much with alcohol), the changes in people are noticeable right away, not when they reach the stage of inebriation. So I feel uncomfortable a lot faster. I can hear people get louder, starting to talk a lot (more than normal), see the movements and mannerisms change - more discomfort for me.

This is all me. In terms of rating the general event, it was enormously successful. The food was very good, the wines were (to hear from others) very good, the setting was amazing, everyone else had a good time. A great time. If I were less tentative with dining out, and if I were insenstive to alcohol, I'd have had an amazing time. As it was, I did enjoy the company at first and even into the event, it was certainly interesting. But I'm clearly so far out of my element at these things, that I can't fit in. I suspect that should this happen again, I'll go out of a sense of obligation, put in some time and then leave. (Although I find it inexcusably rude to leave an event early.) I don't know. But I think I had a poor effect on the others, who found me to be stiff and unpleasant; and I really enjoy these people as they are normally.

So, I would say I learned a lot about myself - most of it unpleasant.