Still Feeling Hopeless and Helpless

I know that physically I am not in good shape. I know I am not a model by any means. I get that - but I get that I am still suffering from severe back pain and I don't know what to do. I am going tomorrow to get the x-ray. I have been told that I may have a herniated disk. I know enough people - friends, patients - who have this and I am scared. Scared to my bones. I don't want to live my life in pain forever. I don't want to have to undergo back surgery that has not really fixed anyone with this problem. I work hard to be happy and positive but it is a struggle just to get up and function.

Some of that is undoubtedly the medication - muscle relaxants and narcotics do not make you feel normal. It is hard to be normal on this stuff. But I am much more unhappy thinking that my future may not have EMS in it; that I may be in pain for the rest of my life. I don't want to be that person.

The fact is that if this is the case, well, I'm a fighter and a survivor and I'll go on to find other things to make my life complete. But it will be harder and it will really be very different if I can no longer be an EMT. My HR life, I think, will get better again and return to more normal working, but I may have to be more aware of how much I'm doing. Maybe I will need to work six days at seven hours each day instead of cramming everything into five days. I don't mind that too much; I think Luis might mind it, though.

I need to stop, I'm imagining the absolute worst case and there may not be anything that severe. I just need to be positive. I'm trying, anyway.

Comments

CrystalChick said…
I'm sorry you are feeling bad and dealing with this. Both my husband (back spasms from pinched nerve) and daughter (herniated disk) have dealt with back issues. Neither of them have had surgery. At times, they are in pain and take some meds, but there are times in between that they are pain-free so it's not constant or chronic for them, but I know what they go thru when they are having times of pain and it does seem as tho it will go on and on. It gets better. Hang in there. Get the tests first and see exactly what is going on. Maybe an MRI too? There are other alternatives.... like injections, depending. Acupuncture. That didn't work for my daughter however we are all different.
You'll find your way thru this. Don't know you well, but just from blog reading... you're one tough lady and will be fine no matter what! Take care.
30 August 2007 at 21:07
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