Pain and Loss

Last night was hell.

Yesterday was a great day. I got a lot done at work, I felt good, albeit tired, and then I went out with a really good friend and had a really great time. We went to a store called ULTA, then over to Rockaway for a great dinner and then a bit of shopping at Yankee Candle Co and then hung out for a bit at her place. Around 2200 I can home.

Luis was watching the telly. Chelsea was waiting to greet me and get fed at the top of the stairs. But there was no Ariel, and she is always the first one waiting for me.

I called to her a couple of times... no answer.

I had that bad feeling and I knew it must be time... she's been losing a lot of weight and getting weaker with her hip bones very prominent. But she was still walking and eating, and happy. Thursday night she'd gone to bed with me and yesterday morning I picked her up and put her in our bed as always, and left her purring and happy in the covers.

I went into my office and heard a piteous sounding meow from under my computer desk. I found her there, curled up and head up, but she wasn't rising to greet me. I crawled under the desk and she'd been there licking one paw constantly. I wasn't sure - maybe she'd vomited on it. She was unhappy, but licked my hand. I picked her up and put her on her feet on the floor but no longer under the desk. She managed a couple of steps but her hind legs were terribly wobbly and gave out. She laid back down. I picked her up and carried her out to the living room and told Luis that we would probably need to take her to the vet in the morning, to put her to sleep. I brought her to the kitchen and she tried to take a few steps and again laid down. She was not at all interested in food. I called Ray to tell him and then looked to check on her. She wasn't in the kitchen. I called to her and went to the eating area and then the sun room and there she was in the small space between the couch and the wall.

Cats, when they know that they are going to die, will look for a small, dark space to do so. She was doing that; I knew she would not make it through the night. I called Lauryn and asked her where I could take Ariel. She was upset. So was I. She offered to go with me - that is... it's just... Well. More than I can say.

Luis was dressed and I got the kitty carrier. I unscrewed the top and put in an old towel that smelled of me and then put Ariel in. The fact that she made no move to get out said a lot. We put it back together and gently carried her to the truck. Luis drove carefully.

We tried carrying on a normal conversation as we went but I had a tough time holding it up. We found the place in short order and I gave the receptionist/nurse a history and the purpose for our visit. She was very nice about the whole thing.

The staff there was really very nice - all of them. None of them were callous about it and none were too much. They let me stay with her the whole time. Luis stayed, too. He said goodbye to Ariel as I held her to my shoulder and buried my face in her fur. She was not in pain or suffering visibly, but she wasn't able to purr, either. She licked my hand again and let me hold her to me. I finally put her down on the table where she lay, breathing too fast.

Two assistants came in and one held her right forepaw and stabilized her head while the other shaved a small section. I held her, too, just her left paw and stroked her as well. They set up the IV and again, the lack of any real reaction from Ariel was really very telling. They both gave heart-felt condolences and left.

It was only a minute or two before the doctor came in, and asked if we were ready. I would never be ready for this but I couldn't continue this. I nodded and she did the first injection. It was a paralytic and very fast acting, but all that changed was Ariel's chest rise. The second injection completed the action.

I cried. I cry in movies and I cry watching the telly, but this... this was not anything like that. I cried and couldn't stop. Even Luis cried. I don't know how long I stayed there with Ariel after, stroking her and cried the whole time. I cried on the ride to my parents house around 2330. I cried there and went downstairs to my mother and cried all over again. It was awful - I had given myself a really terrible tension headache from all the sobbing.

Nothing has changed. Everything still makes me cry. I have a bad feeling that Monday will be hell, just with employees saying, "How was your weekend?" I may lock myself in my office to run the payroll or I won't get anything done.

This is the most painful thing I have ever done. I keep thinking she's here, in the spot of floor that she loved in the bedroom, or my office. Chelsea is a little lost but I don't know if she really feels a loss or not. She and Ariel seemed to tolerate each other at most. But I'm keeping an eye on her.

I'm heartbroken.