A Real Post - No Memes, Quetionnaires, Etc.

For the last few months, since around the time that Ariel died, I had also discovered the strange but unique world of Memes and Questionnaires. Both are features that I enjoy, but the real need to blog has always been cogitating on paper (well, so to speak). Lately my head is so overloaded with home issues and my emotions are in such a crazy state, that a real post has not happened in quite some time. I'm certainly well overdue.

A friend of mine, though, was the one who pointed it out. So here is a real post, life as it is right now. The hardest thing for me personally is dealing with the death of Chelsea, my cat. Ariel died in June and that was torturously hard, but there was still Chelsea waiting for me to come home. Now my house is echoingly empty.

Chelsea, like Ariel, was 18 years old, so I am sure old age had a role. They both lived a really long time and were with me just under half my life. Chelsea was diagnosed four or so years ago as having kidney degeneration, but there was really nothing to do for it. They suggested I feed her special food but she would not eat it. So I fed her regular wet food, as usual. Doctors don't know everything. I think making her eat foods she didn't like was not worth whatever benefits they swore was in it. They both lived just fine on a regular diet of dry food (Iams Senior Cat Food) and a daily feeding of Friskies wet food. (I think those are the right names.) She lived a long time after that and was happy.

On Friday night (I'm beginning to think Fridays are bad - Ariel was put to sleep on 6 June, also a Friday night) I came home and Chelsea came out to meet me but her back legs were not merely arthritic, they were clearly having major weakness and control problems. She did eat, but she wasn't herself. I stayed with her to see what would happen, and the back legs kept getting worse, and then she vomited her dinner up (second night in a row). I took her to the vet. At first, she thought maybe Chels' potassium level was low, in which case, I could mix a potassium paste into her wet food and that would be fine. But best to do a blood panel. I agreed, and we waited.

Her blood levels came back, and the potassium level was too high. Worse, her creatine level, which should have been between 1.0 and 2.2, was 10.6. Way too high. I asked the vet what she would do if Chelsea was her cat. You know the answer. She wasn't suffering and she wasn't in pain - yet. Why wait until she is, which was just around the corner. I made the decision to euthanise her and she went very peacefully.

It was a very different experience with Cheslea, who stayed sitting up on the table in the typical sphynx position, purring deeply. People often have the mistaken impression that purring is strictly a sign of happiness in a cat, but they do purr for other reasons. I kept my ear to her side the whole time, bathing myself in that lovely deep purr for as long as I could. It was misery to hear it stop. I held her for a long time after, sobbing madly. I did that was Ariel, too. Ariel died with her eyes open and I had trouble with that. Chelsea died with hers closed and just gently putting her head down. It looked more... natural, I guess. But Ariel could not sit up at the end, just lay on her side. Chelsea seemed okay, but the bloodwork and what the vet said made the outcome rather clear.

It was after midnight when I came out of the room, paid the bill $510 - practically whiped out my bank account - and went home, finally, to a totally empty house. And this is what still gets me. I'm coming home every night to a completely empty house. No fur at all. Not a single meow and purr. It is a lonely place now. It's just a house.

Janet at work suggested that it happens a lot this way when there are two older animals together, even if they weren't close. Cats, dogs, cat and dog, this happens. I don't know. Chelsea was very old but she seemed completely nonplussed by Ariel's death. Janet might be right.

People have varying reactions to this. Some are terribly understanding and know completely what I am feeling. Some understand that to me, the feeling of loss is very, very strong. They don't understand that loss because of an animal dying, but they understand loss on a personal level. And then there are the great masses of the completely uneducated, who really understand nothing at all. Someone actually said to me, "But this was just a cat." Well. Clearly you understand nothing about having animals in your life. This makes you unqualified to open your mouth at all!

People do surprise me all the time. For me, this is no less profound that one of my children dying. I don't have children and my cats weren't children per se, but they were my little ones, if that makes sense. The one difference is that I knew I'd outlive them. That is it. And this process was made harder in that I was the one that had to make the decision to euthenise them. When it comes to humans (for reasons passing understanding) quality of life doesn't enter the equation and most people are against such an idea. But I love my family, two legged and four legged, too much and while I hate being without them, I feel that euthanising is sometimes the only kindness.

So it is time to turn to the future and right now, Puccini, my cousin's 8-week-old kitten is the future. My future. She will be coming to me soon, maybe the end of October. I need to get the living room carpet replaced, first. I hope to get her soon. And I will be waiting for kitten number 2 to show up as well. Puccini (who will be renamed) will need a companion to keep her happy during the workdays!